Here’s Your Pink-Eye, That’ll Be $17.50

To begin this post, I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to the below:


If you didn’t make it to the end of the trailer, I assume it’s because you didn’t see the original Step Up, or its amazing sequel Step Up 2 Tha Streets, a movie so profound that it circumvented all basic laws of grammar and spelling. Well now the trilogy is finally complete, and like the Godfather Part IIId before it, we can finally see the series in the third dimension. Up until now, most of the films released in 3d have been cartoons. Then Avatar paved the way for more real-life action movies. It was only a matter of time before the trend caught on with angsty, urban dance dramas. I personally can’t wait to see a re-release of Doubt in 3d, or have the entire Merchant Ivory collection be remastered for digital 3d (long white gloves and aristocratic ennui will literally jump out of the screen).

For realsies though friends, I’m starting to get a little annoyed with this. I remember 3d movies being a novelty. For example, I saw the re-release of Friday the 13th III when it came out in 3d in Wilmington, Delaware. I was about six years old, and I had to beg my dad to take me. We wore the cooler looking blue and red glasses and Freddy’s knife-hand kept on popping out of the screen and everybody had a grand old time. To this day, it is the most exciting thing ever to happen in Wilmington, Delaware. But it was rare, and that was the fun.

About two weeks ago I decided to take myself out on a little friend-date and see the new Dreamworks film How To Tame Your Dragon. Yes, you may be wondering if there are more constructive ways a 27-year-old man could spend his time (read a book! join a gym! apply to grad school already!), but whatever, leave me alone.

I’ll start by saying that the movie is great and you should all see it. But don’t see it in 3d. First of all, it cost $17.50. $17.50! Your average movie in New York costs $12, which means that somehow a pair of cheap, plastic glasses costs $5.50. And they’re recycled. You’re wearing glasses that someone else wore! So not only are you not allowed to take home the pair of glasses that you paid $5.50 for, but you might be taking home conjunctivitis!

Secondly, the majority of these films were converted to digital 3d after the movie was made, which means that there’s minimal 3d action even occurring. Of the movies that I’ve seen in 3d, the exceptions were Coraline and Avatar. In How To Tame Your Dragon, every once in a while, a dragon tail or something would pop out of the screen. That’s it.

Thirdly, I’m pretty sure your head will explode if you take the glasses off and look at the screen. I’m not positive about this, and I’m not a (licensed) doctor, but I don’t recommend it.

And finally, it is ruining the movies. I saw Up in 3d last summer. It’s a beautiful movie filled with rich colors and amazing detail and all of that was dulled by the 3d glasses. The colors were flat and all the intricate artwork was overtaken by little birds popping out in front of you every once in a while.

I know that I am apparently 27 going on 80 and that I should just accept that this is the future and that soon there will be 3d televisions in our flying space-cars that run on kitten blood and that Lyndon LaRouche will probably be president but I just don’t think I’m ready to accept this happily. That being said, if TGW would like to organize a group outing to see Step Up 3D, I’ll probably end up going.

6 responses to “Here’s Your Pink-Eye, That’ll Be $17.50”

  1. swells says:

    Andrew, as always: that is some funny shit. Almost makes me wanna Step Up 2 Tha Streets.

  2. Dave says:

    This was hilarious.

    I join you in your 3disdain, by the way. Although the Tron suits in Step Up 3D look fresh.

  3. LP says:

    Whoa, can you really get pinkeye from 3D glasses? I had my first case last year, and I don’t care ever to have it again.

    If 3D glasses are ruined for me this year, they will join fountain sodas, about which I learned a disturbing detail a few months ago. I won’t say what it is, in case any of youse really love your fountain drinks.

  4. Crocodile Dundee says:

    Will someone fix the “it’s” problem in the first sentence below the trailer? It’s hurting my eyes and preventing me from reading the rest of the piece, which looks fun by the way.

  5. Andrew says:

    Wait, now I need to know about fountain sodas LP…

  6. LP says:

    Andrew, if you use your google machine, you can find it pretty easily. Just add the word “gross” to the subject in question. For everyone else, I apologize, and please do not do this unless you are prepared to be put off fountain drinks forever.