Extra juju

From: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
To: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Private WH Halloween Party

Hi Jinnie —

Just wanted to touch base on the plans for tomorrow. POTUS has decided on the Lincoln costume, so Mrs. Bush will arrive as Mary Todd and change into her Catwoman outfit later. (I know, I know, but she says she’s worn it every year since 1978.) No news on the twins yet.

How is the ceremony shaping up?


From: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
To: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Private WH Halloween Party


Things are going great, pretty intense as you’d guess. When can we get some interns who can carve a decent jack’o’lantern? And the dried corn decorations were almost a disaster — Armand saved them at the last minute, I don’t know how he does it!

Got an RSVP from Bob Novak. Any ideas on where to seat him? Last time the stench of his rotting flesh put Dennis Hastert off his feed.


From: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
To: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Re: Private WH Halloween Party

Jin —

No problem with Novak — I just found out the twins are coming, and for some reason neither of them has any sense of smell at all. Put them all at Table 4.

More costumes — let Secret Service know. Secretary Rumsfeld is coming as Ahab. Hastert’s coming as a high-school lacrosse player. Senator Frist is dressing as a zombie — he says it’s the undead Terry Schiavo, but we all know it’s his presidential ambitions. Secretary Rice says she’s coming as a former school librarian married to a powerful but dimwitted politician.

Gotta ask again about preparations for the ceremony. It’s Bernanke’s first time leading the Hymn to Moloch, so can you arrange to have a copy of the full script near the altar just in case?


From: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
To: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Private WH Halloween Party

Gail —

Got the script thing covered — I know Barbara’s such a stickler for the details, what with the family tradition an all.

Finalizing the menu. Spiced pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting and chocolate-leaf decoration works, right?

Having a hard time finding virgin’s blood. We might have to go to plan B. Could you clear that with the guy upstairs?


From: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
To: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Private WH Halloween Party


Sorry, I just got off the phone with Dobson, and he says born-again virgins don’t count for this kind of thing. Jin, this is really, really important. Think of something. Don’t you have a few interns from Patrick Henry College around?

Just got the costume info from the Cheneys: Dick’s a suspected terrorist and Lynn’s his CIA interrogator. She’ll be throwing water on his face from time to time, so have a couple of staff standing by with a mop.

Keep me updated on the blood. And the infant’s still a go, right?


From: Jinnie Doherty [jdoherty@whitehouse.gov]
To: Gail Hawley [ghawley@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Private WH Halloween Party

Gail —

Hey, problem solved! One of the interns has a younger sister. And yeah, we’ve had the infant locked in for a week.

Speaking of which, Richard Perle’s still coming, right? Rove says we need some extra juju this year and Beelzebub’s presence would really help. Maybe seat him with Novak and the twins?


7 responses to “Extra juju”

  1. Tim Wager says:


    I didn’t know you had the connections to get ahold of this sort of thing, but of course you did live in DC once upon a time. Don’t hold back when Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around!

  2. Stephanie Wells says:

    This is as funny as your regular somber posts are chilling and thought-provoking. Always a pleasure to read your incisive angles, even if it doesn’t always feel like a pleasure considering the horrors you’re usually pointing out are scarier than any Halloween!

    also, the part about Cheney and the water and the mop reminded me of a cartoon in the paper this Sunday which you probably all saw: “Apple Bobbing at the Cheneys’,” in which a bunch of kids in costumes are standing around the apple barrel, and Cheney is pushing one kid’s head underwater and saying “Confess!”

  3. WW says:

    good to hear Condi’s going librarian this ‘ween. Heard rumors she was at H&M buying a Madonna-styled track suit to pair with the black Cabbage Patch Doll she got at Toys R Us. Fantastic post, as usual.

  4. Dave says:

    I heard H&M and Toys R Us are sold out of those two items.

  5. Stephanie Wells says:

    Condi could pull off the Madge, though, since she does share with Her Estherness the one single thing that I actually like about her: the gap between her teeth.

  6. lisa tremain says:

    rove and cheney: the evil of two lessers.

    i love reading other people’s emails! and spying on private parties. thanks for *hacking* in to the admin, dave. shall we submit this to harper’s?

  7. trixie says:

    i love the gap betwixt the teeth as well steph.
    a redeeming quality for both (no offense g-lock)]