Okay, so Twitter. What’s up with that, right? I mean, who *really* wants to know the minutiae of other people’s days? Maybe occasionally someone will post a funny joke, a handy link, or something cool that’s going on, but generally? It’s even more of a waste of time than Facebook. Right?
Thinking this, well *knowing* this in my very soul, I had dismissed the entirety of Twitter with a wave of my hand ages ago. (You know, *months*, if not even a little over a *year* ago — forever, electronically speaking.) However, I have discovered that, in the hands of the right Tweeter, that there gizmo has its merits as a purveyor of finely-tuned episodic serial narrative. Soap opera, that is.
Witness “Shh Don’t Tell Steve”, a Twitter feed written on the sly by a college student about his lunkish oaf of a roommate, Steve. Tweets take the form of anthropological observations of Steve’s behavior.
Steve is a typical white upper-middle class kid in his last year of college, with interests that range from drinking Jack Daniel’s and smoking dope through eating junk food all the way to playing video games and watching sports. Falling somewhere in there is Steve’s prime directive: getting laid.
Steve’s attention to his classwork boils down to trying to squeak by and pass his classes so that his father won’t cut off his allowance. Hygiene is not a priority, nor are cooking and cleaning. The social graces are also a weak point.
I discovered the feed in question as a link off of one of the blogs I read and have been hooked ever since. The vicarious thrill of observing at second hand the relatively-privileged-and-yet-downwardly-trending young white American male is certainly part of the appeal. Also, the tension surrounding keeping Steve in the dark about the Twitter feed can be excruciating. Really, though, it’s funny as hell.
It’s a little like reading a Dickens novel, if Dickens had actually been Judd Apatow and had access to the interwaffle.
Observe! Steve’s ignorance:
Steve thought classes started today. Forgot about MLK. Steve: “I would have fucking slept in. They really need to publicize that shit.”
Listen! as Steve’s attempt to make a generous gesture gets derailed:
Steve has a bag of shirts he’s giving to Salv. Army. Told him he should dump ones with pit stains or holes. Steve: “That’s like all of them”
Watch! as Steve reveals too much about his feelings for women:
Steve on Valentine’s Day and Slutty Tina: “I want to do the right thing and get her something but I don’t want it to mean anything.”
Gaze freely! as Steve commits yet another faux pas:
Steve got into fight w/ one of Slutty Tina’s roommates for not locking bathroom door: “It was like she’d never seen a dude taking a crap”
Get wistful! as Steve contemplates his history with soft porn:
Steve got reflective looking at SI swimsuit pics online. Steve: “You know, I stole my first swimsuit issue from this kid Brad in 4th grade.”
Steve is, of course, the main attraction here, but the cast of supporting characters is truly colorful and fascinating.
- Our (unnamed) narrator: clearly brilliant for thinking of this and talented with language; has, however, a tendency to commit errors in judgment of his own.
Steve mentioned that he sent BG a Vday gift and she never responded. So I told him about Asshat. He’s now in drinking/punching walls mode.
- Shelly: our narrator’s girlfriend who alternates between encouraging the Twitter feed and reprimanding the narrator for having little real concern for Steve.
Shelly annoyed I hadn’t noticed Steve’s depression. Shelly: “He hasn’t changed out of his fleece sweats and he smells like dude warmed over”
- Slutty Tina: Steve’s once and future ex, who currently occasionally sleeps with him.
Steve made two booty calls to Slutty Tina this week and was denied. 1st excuse: Laundry. 2nd excuse: Homework. Don’t think she does either
- Burrito Girl: also Steve’s ex, who recently dumped him for altogether too many reasons, instigating Steve’s drunken return to the arms of Slutty Tina.
Steve sent some very high, very late texts to BG last night. I chastised him for it. Steve: “No, it’s cool. None of them were desperate”
- Asshat: Burrito Girl’s ex, jealousy about whom contributed greatly to Steve and BG’s breakup; it appears that BG and Asshat may be back together.
Me: “Dude, you okay?” Steve: “I’m cool. I’m done with her. I just hope I run into [Asshat] so I can beat his ass.”
- Aggro Tony: one of Steve’s good friends; another mess of a privileged college kid.
Steve and Aggro Tony were up late last night bitching about their Dads. They both think they deserve more respect and bigger allowances.
- Sweaty Rick: Steve’s party pal and pot dealer.
Sweaty Rick over to watch football and sell weed. Asked Rick how his New Years was and he said “profitable”. Said 2010 is “all about pills”
- Fish: known mostly for having an extremely attractive sister whom Steve wants to “bang”.
Steve immediately took on the Fish awkwardness by pronouncing “I will not make any joke about how hot your sister is O-KAY?”
- TJ: a friend of the narrator who is in on the Twitter scheme; generally benign and best for mobile updates, as he owns an iPhone; nearly spilled the Twitter beans at Thanksgiving dinner.
Fucking TJ! Steve spilled gravy boat all over table. TJ: “Bet that’s going on Twitter” Steve was confused. Shelly quickly covered.
- Smart Ass: a fairly new character; a woman in one of Steve’s classes, whom he admires for her brains and posterior; her edgy side came out a couple weeks ago during a raging bar crawl.
Shelly had dubbed Smart Ass a “bunch of nothing” but then SA reveald a “sex on a Greyhoundd bus” story and a barbed wire rose hip Tatoo
Admittedly, I’m a bit late to the Shhdontellsteve story, but I’m really looking forward to the next months as Steve’s senior year winds down and his post-college future unfolds. A recent set of events indicates how things may go:
Steve went to his advisor this morning. Asked him if had any “Sports Marketing connections”. Advisor had none. Steve deemed him “worthless”
Steve “juggled” his class schedule so he has 4 day weekends for his last semester. Predicts “it’s gonna get ugly around here. I believe him
They’re painting the halls of apt building this week. One of the painters is Steve’s “Cool” RA from Fresh Yr. It’s freaking Steve out a bit.
Steve’s RA turned Apt Hall Painter told Steve he could get him hired at the painting company once Steve gives up on getting a real job
Steve said the RA run in was “fucking scary” and “it’s time to get serious.” Apparently that means getting high and watching Robot Chicken.
Fasten your seat belts; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
I had no idea Twitter could be so fabulous. Thanks for this! (I went onto Twitter once to sign up so that I could get a friend’s tour tweets, but I didn’t feel like filling in a bunch of sign-up stuff; I suspect the real reason is the fear that I’d become completely addicted. This post proves it.)
And here I was imagining you all highbrow, reading Proust or something while we spend the winter months burning through TiVo. But this is some addictive &%$*. Who is more despicable: the author, or Steve?
Rachel, of course I read my Proust every day . . . right *before* I check into what Steve is up to.
The joy of this sort of Twitter arrangement is that the feeds don’t come at you; you can check them on the web whenever you like, with no forms to fill in and no funny/cool Twitter handle to think up. I didn’t know about this either until I found out about Steve.
I think that in the end the author is more despicable than Steve. Steve is almost entirely lacking in self-awareness. While his gender and social politics are godawful, he doesn’t really recognize the larger ramifications of what he says and does. He just says and does what comes to his puerile mind. That’s the beauty and simplicity of a person like him. (I must mention here that Steve occasionally does some good things. He did donate $100 to Haiti relief, for instance. Sure, it was his dad’s money, but that was $100 less that Steve had to spend on weed.)
The author, on the other hand, is fully aware of the ramifications of Steve’s actions but doesn’t even attempt to enlighten or intervene in a meaningful, productive way. In fact, he capitalizes on Steve’s ignorance by putting his actions and proclamations on display for all the world to see. Occasionally, too, he’ll intervene in Steve’s life in a way that seems calculated to produce results that will make for good Twitter fodder. Simply tagging along with Steve to go out drinking, just because it might produce some good tweets, qualifies in my book as tampering. Also, think of the other people whose actions are being tweeted, unbeknownst to them.
But please don’t make it stop.
“I think that in the end the author is more despicable than Steve.” I agree, which for me, makes this Twitter feed very uncomfortable reading.
I was especially struck by the line “Shelly annoyed I hadn’t noticed Steve’s depression.” It seems rather cruel for the author and Shelley to continue to hold the guy up for ridicule, behind his back and potentially to thousands of people, while realizing he’s probably clinically depressed. There are some snicker-worthy things in here, but overall this Twitter feed made me kinda sad.
Bret Easton Ellis’ tweet concerning the death of J.D. Salinger.
I see your point, LP, but I think it’s an exaggeration to say that Steve is probably clinically depressed. From what I get, he’s bummed that he got dumped by BG (and isn’t getting sex on a regular basis) but doesn’t have the wherewithal or self-awareness to think about why she did and how he might need to change. The author is too busy focusing on the Twitter feed and/or is not good enough friends with him to have a serious discussion with Steve about what BG’s dumping him could mean.
Perhaps, however, Steve is not really one who would take to such a conversation. Hard to say.
Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that the whole thing might just be entirely made up.
I’m not sure I agree that the author has some sort of moral responsibility to “enlighten or intervene” when Steve is clearly making his own choices. If he IS depressed, then yes, this is mean. That’s not the sense I get, though, from these selections. It might be mean anyway, but if Steve is as satisfied with his own situation as he seems to be, then would he even care? and if he wouldn’t care, then is it still mean?
This is totally entertaining Tim. Thank you for taking the time to post all the best tweets and provide context and all your thoughts. I wish you could do a regular twitter digest here. Is it too much to ask for MNFS, part 2 in a few months? This is just so engrossing, regardless of who is more despicable (and dudes, do you really have to get me all down thinking about the morality of all this? Isn’t that Randy Cohen’s column?–that i can ignore? I just want to laugh and feel superior to other people. I’m all buckled in, Sir Wager.)
That feed is completely addictive. I’m with Farrell in not really caring about the ethical implications — as noted, the characters are entitled and immature college kids. They’re acting out. Steve will end up either a house painter or an investment banker.
Points taken from Farrell and Dave, certainly, and with a little sigh of relief.
I guess my mention of “intervening” or “enlightening” is more of a personal moral directive. If I had a sexist homophobe of a roommate, I think I’d try – in ways both subtle and not – to work on that person to change his/her behavior and thinking for the better. Does that make me a PC cop? Maybe, but it just seems right.
Of course, for all I know, the narrator does make such attempts or has made them in the past, but to no avail.
OK, so I’m a killjoy. But for the record, I wasn’t suggesting that they intervene in any way with Steve’s behavior, and I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with tweeting about it, or sharing it with friends. What seems kind of mean is setting up an entire independent twitter feed with no other purpose than mocking the guy. It’s easy to think, well, Steve wouldn’t care anyway if he found out. But then why go to such lengths to keep it from him? Also, college kids, in my experience, aren’t the most adept at spotting depressed behavior, so the fact that Shelley comments on it was striking, IMO.
But, whatevs. I’m obviously in the minority here, so perhaps I’m oversensitive.
Also, Farrell: such a low blow, comparing me to that despicable Ethicist! Ouch! Yow! Oof!
Parrish! You weren’t the first to raise the moral implications, so I don’t think Farrell was singling you out to compare to Mr. Cohen. I was the one who did the first sustained examination of the morality, so I could easily be seen as the Ethicist here. So don’t fret: it’s not always about you. Okay, almost all of the time it is, but that’s beside the point! XO
P.S. Dave, I’m home.
Corrected comment below:
Also, Farrell: such a low blow, comparing us to that despicable Ethicist! Ouch! Yow! Oof!
Oh man, Steve’s a little bit on fire right now. Check out the last couple days.