Businesses I wish I’d started

The creator of the Frisbee died last week, age 90, a wealthy man for having adapted a popcorn tin lid into a toy. How great would that be – to invent an object beloved by millions and retire off it? Whenever I read stories about the people who become zillionaires by inventing cool stuff, I feel jealous.


Similarly, people get rich by figuring out a how to fill a weird little niche that no one even noticed before. Selling bottled water, for example. Or “vitamin water.” Or patenting the annoying piece of tape that seals a CD case. I also recently heard of a fellow who makes millions of dollars portraying a character in ads who wears a costume head. You’d never know who it was under that head, but he’s got the gig, so he gets the dough. I’d like a gig like that.

Recently, however, I read about the best new business idea of all time. It’s like a ponzi scheme without the ponzi scheme, an idea so devious and brilliant, I hope it makes millions for its founders. It’s called “Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.”

From the company’s home page:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

Apparently more than 100 pet owners have ponied up the $110 fee for a ten-year contract. Yet… how can a God-fearing pet-owner pledge to leave little Muffin with a godless heathen owner? Business Week describes the owner’s paradox thusly:

He must reassure the Rapture crowd that his pet rescuers are wicked enough to be left behind but good enough to take proper care of the abandoned pets. Rescuers must sign an affidavit to affirm their disbelief in God—and they must also clear a criminal background check.

And, lest anyone doubts there are worried people out there who are already planning for their post-rapture pet care, check out this site. As ludicrous as I may believe this notion to be, I actually find this site rather earnest and sweet, particularly the author’s suggestion that:

Pet sitters are a temporary arrangement at best. You should arrange with as many of your friends as you can to have them adopt your pets when you are taken. You should agree to take theirs if they are taken up and you are not, just in case.

6 responses to “Businesses I wish I’d started”

  1. Andrew says:

    That’s amazing. I would gladly be a professional/atheist dogwalker after the rapture has occurred. Although in a post-rapture economy, I might have to take on some cat-sitting, lion-taming and maybe working at Sea World just to get by.

  2. J-Man says:

    Wha – where do you find these websites?

  3. Tim says:

    Also, plus, too . . . have they even thought about who will take care of their kids if the little ones haven’t said their prayers just right and believed in Jesus as best and as hard as they possibly could? Or are the kids SOL because it’s their fault, unlike the helpless kittens and puppies and chinchillas?

    I love the way Eternal Earthbound Pets’s owners think: exploit Christian fear and ignorance to make money. Wow, if the military industrial complex gets ahold of this approach . . . wait, never mind.

  4. swells says:

    If the Rapture comes, wouldn’t dogs and cats automatically have a better chance of being saved than humans?

  5. J-Man says:

    Yeah, I think Chimpy and Merlot should probably find caretakers for us.