Hey, the Yankees Won

The mail guy at my office, whose name is Nelson, asked me on Wednesday if I thought the Yankees were going to close it out that night. Without even thinking I responded “I sure hope so!” before realizing I had no idea what he was talking about. He then told me “Man, I’ve got Yankees in the sixth.” I promptly responded that I did as well. He high-fived me. All seemed to be well.

I have never been too into sports. I played sports in high school, and have been to the occasional baseball game, but I don’t follow who the players are unless they are dating famous actresses or they awkwardly guest-host on Saturday Night Live. I enjoy going to baseball games for the spectacle. I enjoy over-sized foods, drinks and foam hands. I enjoy watching people get excited when a song from five or ten years ago, like Cotton-Eyed Joe, comes on the loud speaker. It’ll only play for about fifteen seconds, but everyone gets into it and looks surprisingly disappointed when it ends, even though they despised the song when it first came out. Little do most people know that the remix of the song Cotton-Eyed Joe that they are dancing to is by a band called Rednex, and they are from Sweden. And the dance we all perform in the stands is called The Socialist Movement.*

Now as little as I know about baseball, I know that the Yankees are hated by pretty much everyone but Yankees fans. They seem to be a love them or hate them kind of team. Most of my friends are Mets fans, which seems to be the cooler choice, as well as the proletariat’s team. The Yankees are seen by most to be a team of pin-striped, clean-shaved, dollar-burning assholes. I mean, they forced Johnny Damon to shave his beard when he was recruited to the Yankees. Granted, they gave the guy a $52 million dollar contract as well, but, as a man who recently shaved his own beard off after several years of facial insulation, you should not make another man do that, especially when forced to play night games in November.

Then there’s the Phillies. I grew up in Delaware so I went to Veterans Stadium a lot as a kid. I remember loving the Philly Fanatic, a mascot that basically looked like the result of a drunken sex affair between a llama and Oscar the Grouch. I remember Mike Schmidt, Lenny Dykstra, and Jon Kruk. This was back when baseball players looked like this:

When baseball players looked like Chuck Norris

When baseball players looked like Walker, Texas Ranger

I was pretty sure that the Phillies sucked, but, upon doing a little research, I learned that apparently they won the World Series last year. Who knew? Most of the American public, probably. I also learned that “Phillies” is just short for “Philadelphias.” So basically they’re the Philadelphia Philadelphias. I’m pretty sure they deserve to lose the World Series this year based purely on their lack of team-name imagination.

Anyway I ended up going to a bar with a friend last night, and she pointed to the screen behind me which I had been ignoring and mentioned that it was game six. “Of course!” I thought to myself. Nelson had bet that the Yankees would win the series in the sixth game. Had I only known what he meant several hours before, I could have high-fived him with twice the vigor and conviction that I had. Alas, I began to root for the evil Yankees. Not because I feel any allegiance to them as one who lives in New York. But because Nelson was the only person that I knew that had expressed any interest in the outcome of this game. In fact the friend with whom I sat at the bar claimed that she hated both teams so much that she hoped they all caught swine flu.

And the Yankees won. Hideki Matsui had a great game and scored a two-run homer and a two-run single. Andy Pettitte (pronounced “pet it” and not “petite” as I’ve learned, although I still don’t understand why) pitched a good game and Mariano Rivera followed up to close out the last two innings. New York rejoiced, Walmart got great advertising, and everyone went home happy. Oh, except the Phillies. And their fans.

Anyway, it was fun to be momentarily invested in a sporting event, even if it was on someone else’s behalf. One of these days I’ll have to pick a random team and start following them (you’re looking at the number one superfan of the…uh…Kansas City Royals) but until then I’ll be referring to A-Rod as Kate Hudson’s boyfriend and trying to get Cotton-Eyed Joe out of my head.

*Be not afraid. This is not a fact. It’s simply a terrible, terrible joke.

15 responses to “Hey, the Yankees Won”

  1. lane says:

    i’m so glad this topic hasn’t died.

    i didn’t watch any of the series until inning 6 of game 6. but by then i was at a sports bar with 25 cent shots and a room full of frat boys.

    this is not an environment i usually find interesting. but at the end of the pleasant two hours drinking with a friend who is only partly american, plays soccer, and kind of hates america, it all came to a great end.

    when even new york wins a sports championship i try to throw myself into the celebration and then i call my mom and dad who are 82 and 85. they frickin’ love it! the noise, the chanting, the cheering, the standing on the pool-table, the pounding of billiard balls on said table. it’s mayhem, for 2 minutes.

    and then it’s over. it’s really fun and i love the yankees . . . and the mets and the rangers and the knicks and the jets and the giants and the . . . whatever, fuck! it’s just a stupid game!

  2. Dave says:

    This post made me laugh many times.

  3. Tim says:

    Even *I* had some laughs reading this. Now I’m off to iTunes to get that Rednex track.

  4. swells says:

    This is damn funny. I love that you faked knowing what the sports fan guy was even talking about.

  5. swells says:

    And by the way, when I read that he said “I’ve got the Yankees in the sixth,” I became all confused and thought, “The sixth inning? How can that be?”

  6. Dave says:

    Yeah, did he maybe say “I’ve got the Yankees in six?”

  7. Andrew says:

    I thought he said “I’ve got the Yankees in the sixth” but he was basically speaking Greek to me, so he could have said a lot of things. The Yankees in six would make more sense.

    To follow up though, I did actually see him this week and congratulated him on his win. He then congratulated me on my (imaginary) win. There was more high-fiving. It was positively dudely.

  8. J-Man says:

    Next time I see dudes being all dudely, I’m going to try to figure out who is faking.

  9. Dave says:

    At least 1 in 10.

  10. swells says:

    Especially if they are GW dudes, in which case the ratio goes up to about 9 in 10.

  11. J-Man says:

    Yeah, the GW girls might just have a higher ration of dudeliness than the dudes. But I don’t wanna start a fight or anything ;)

  12. J-Man says:

    Uh, I meant higher ratio. But ration could work there too.

  13. Jeremy says:

    As a follower of many sports that I’m ashamed to admit following, I feel compelled to say that either “I’ve got the Yankees in six” or “I’ve got Yankees in the sixth” is probably acceptable. The latter would suggest, actually, that he picked the Yankees to win “in the sixth [game],” of course, and could perhaps be more suggestive of an actual monetary wager than that he had merely predicted that the Yankees would win “in six” games.

    This is an incredibly fun post to read, but what here’s what I really want to ask, Andrew–where’s our update on your “Adventures in Online Dating”?!

  14. lane says:

    hmm , , , the whole dudelyness issues, as it relates to GW dudes.

    i think you’re being unfair in saying that GW dudes are less authentically “dudely.”

    also, the mixed feelings about dudelyness in the post-feminist world are so . . . mixed.

    sure the ladies both love and hate the dudes in their dudelynes, and the dudes, some (i’d say a full half) know it’s silly. (so 5 in ten are “faking”) but i don’t think the ratio is any lower at TGW.

    just because we type well, and teach englsh, we are no less dudely. we’re just conscience that it’s just another drag.

  15. Andrew says:

    Jeremy, thanks for asking. I’m still seeing the same girl, and it’s going really well. I didn’t want to write a blog post about it and jinx it. If things don’t work out though, you may get a blog post called “Adventures in Crying Hysterically and Using Your Sweatshirt as a Tissue.”

    And yeah, that’s way dudely.