How My Roommate Destroyed Childhood Cartoon Animals For Me

I can’t really cook.┬áIf pressed I can follow a recipe, and that recipe is usually printed on the side of a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese box. Sometimes I take creative license with my mac and cheese, but that creative license is usually me omitting the milk and butter ingredients in the mix and just eating the pasta with cheese. I once mixed the cheese into the pot before draining the water. Clearly, I am no Mario Batali.

My roommate however, is quite the skillful chef, and thus I often get to eat very well. Since our move to Red Hook last month he also seems to be getting more adventurous. For example, on a Sunday two weeks ago, Jonathan informed me of a deal at the local Fairway Supermarket. They were selling lobsters at $4.99 a pound. Being from a New England family, I was excited at the idea of once again gathering around the table with friends and collectively smashing crustaceans with a wooden mallet. Little did I know that he would emerge from the grocery store with several four pound lobsters. They were the largest things I had ever seen. These were not Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. These were the mutant lobsters that ate Sebastian, and then went on to eat Ursula, Ariel and Walt Disney himself.

After attempting to race the lobsters (they didn’t move), we thought it would be nice to put them in some water so they were more comfortable before they were killed. Sort of like a last meal for a death row inmate. We filled a bucket with tap water, and even added some salt to make it more like home. We were trying to give these guys the most proper send off that we could. Little did we know that putting lobster in fresh water almost immediately kills them. Essentially, we fed the death row inmates a big hearty meal laced with poison. In fact, if you google “lobster and fresh water” it pretty much has a big flashing light that says “DEATH” on it. Our bad.

This meant that we had limited time to cook them. Jonathan, who would rather use his grill than do just about anything, decided that we should boil each lobster for just a moment, and then use a butcher knife and slice them open. At this point we had clearly thrown respect out the window, so I took a knife and sliced away. We threw them on the grill, along with some potatoes and corn, and cooked them up real nice. Below is a picture of the final product.

downsized_0830092028As you can see, they barely fit on the plate. Needless to say, we did not get to the potatoes and corn, and my roommate ended up calling in “full” to the office the next day. It was both a joyous and sad day, as the lobster was delicious, but I will most likely never be able to eat lobster again.

Two weeks later, we hosted a Labor Day Barbecue. Initially the idea was that everyone should bring their own beer, and whatever they’d like to throw on the grill. Little did I know that my roommate was secretly planning on heading to Los Paisanos on Smith Street to pick up a pig to roast. My mind immediately went to this:


Now I’ve eaten every kind of meat imaginable (seriously, cooked chicken heart) but there was something truly horrifying about seeing this animal, with it’s adorable little tail, sticking out of the grill. My roommate woke up at 8am that morning to start getting it ready, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t taste delicious. Here is the end result:

downsized_0906091624So basically, I eat well in my household. My roommate is a great cook. But I don’t think I’ll be able to watch Winnie the Pooh or Little Mermaid again without crying. If I come home one day and find Gonzo or Kermit the Frog on the grill, I’m going to have to move.

For more of my roommates adventures in grilling, go here.

3 responses to “How My Roommate Destroyed Childhood Cartoon Animals For Me”

  1. Dave says:

    That was some seriously good pig.

  2. Boomstick says:

    I am sick that i missed this!! I am always available for post-meal hugs and counselling.

  3. How funny–even though the cartoon’s name is Piglet, I don’t connect him to the likes of Wilbur and pork and a farm. Maybe it’s because Disney’s version just doesn’t look like a pig to me. Pigs don’t walk in two legs or have quiet voices or wear clothes that look like striped turnips. Or have hands that function like mittens.