What’s my line?

Every week, the New Yorker runs a contest on the last page of the magazine. A cartoonist draws a silly picture, and readers are invited to submit captions. Editors choose three captions out of the dozens submitted, and readers then vote on which of those three they think is funniest.

Every week, I stare at the  cartoon, willing myself to think of something funny. I almost never succeed. I find this strange and frustrating, as I don’t normally have trouble coming up with a quip here and there in everyday conversation. But there’s something about the reverse nature of this contest — coming up with the caption to suit the drawing, rather than the other way around — that I find maddeningly hard.

Here’s this week’s cartoon:

caption

Quick – anyone got a funny line? Let’s see… Chinese menu… Moses… tablets… Sinai… Jews and Chinese food? Or, wait – maybe that’s not a menu? Anything funny about, um, wandering in the desert? Dessert? Um… golden calf? This is what usually happens: I look for all the obvious elements, then try to think of something funny. But damn, it’s tricky. Or maybe I’m just not very good at it.

The other maddening thing is, on the rare occasions that I do submit a caption, I’m disappointed when mine isn’t chosen because I usually think it’s at least as funny as those that are. Okay, so I’m biased. But really, is there a significant humor differential between the following captions? I’ll include mine among the three that got chosen — which ones would you vote for?

caption4

A. “We’re all out of the blood of your enemies. You’ll have to settle for marmalade.”

B. “If you didn’t want crusts, you should have said so.”

C. “How many cubicles will you conquer today, hon?”

D. “Olaf, relax! The Duke of Marmalade comes in peace.”

caption3

A. “Funny, I’m not normally a big fan of dried fruit.”

B. “Here’s to Little Miss ‘Don’t You Touch My Hat’.'”

C. “I didn’t expect to gain weight on this cruise.”

D. “She should have told us the fruit was real.”

caption2

A. “I don’t like to brag, but I was voted ‘Most Empathetic’ in my med school class.”

B. “Until I recover, let’s just assume your prostate is fine.”

C. “So a doctor walks into a bar – this is not a joke, by the way.”

D. “Sorry, we’re out of medical supplies.”

caption5

A. “When you suggested immersion therapy, I was expecting something different.”

B. “I’m haunted by the faces of my victims.”

C. “You think this is bad? I used to be a proctologist.”

D. “Just once, I’d like it to be fish and chips.”

I’ll admit it, I’m looking for validation here in the face of repeated failure. Which captions do you like? Anyone got anything funnier? Anyone got a caption for this week’s contest… that I can steal?

34 responses to “What’s my line?”

  1. A White Bear says:

    You’ve seen this, right?

    I think what bothers me is the Match-Game-like format of the contest. The joke’s “set-up” is so elaborate that any caption you come up with is a let-down, only good insofar as it serves the set-up, flattering the artist. Most of the comic strips these guys draw for the rest of the magazine are just, like, two people talking, so the weight of the “joke” is in the caption, not the image. Here, all the weight of the joke has to be in the caption, and anything truly interesting you write as a caption will undermine the image in some way.

    I remember this started as a running dog-on-the-analyst’s couch gag. The would-be caption writer had a lot of room to play with the joke set-up, and they even offered the opportunity to change the image, making the dog into a king, a dragon, a baby, or whatever. Now it’s all about getting the audience to find whatever joke the cartoonist was thinking about, which is usually dumb, like the Jews-and-Chinese-food thing. Once you’ve got a dim-sum joke about ordering up a combination plate of commandments, there’s nowhere to go with it.

  2. A White Bear says:

    Here, all the weight of the joke has to be in the caption, and anything truly interesting you write as a caption will undermine the image in some way.

    Ack. s/b Here, all the weight of the joke has to be in the image

  3. Bave says:

    This has been linked here before, too, I think.

    I am terrible at coming up with lines for this contest, and I find the winning lines unfunny. It’s a waste of the back page.

  4. lane says:

    3. no.

    i often quite like the captions. i often try to think of something, and never really can. I think maybe once, i thought of something kind of good, but then i was too lazy to submit it.

    but i think it’s one of the best parts of the new yorker.

  5. lane says:

    great alternative caption site bave.

    and hey, we missed yesterday! still 5 in three years, pretty good.

    Thursday Playlist anyone? just sayin’.

  6. Dave says:

    I think yesterday was the beginning of our new feature, Probably Nothing Will Be Posted Mondays.

  7. Dave says:

    A, B, B, D.

  8. There is a whole anti-caption contest set up in parallel to the New Yorker’s caption contest. Dave Fischer’s Blog About Town features coverage of both contests.

    When I was young I always used to think I would be good at coming up with New Yorker type cartoons. But somehow that desire vanished before the caption contest ever came along. Ellen entered the contest one time but to no avail.

  9. For the first one, D is pretty acceptably funny even if not quite on the level of something that would make me laugh. (Probably the best thing for that cartoon would be no caption.) For the last one, almost any of those captions would make me laugh but the best is B. For the middle two, none of those captions can salvage the lack of funniness presented by the cartoons.

  10. Scotty says:

    Number one: D (which I’m sure Parrish came up with)
    Number two: B (which I’m also sure Parrish came up with)
    Number three: C (which I’m pretty sure Parrish came up with)
    Number four: B is the funniest, but I think Parrish came up with A

    My caption:

    “What — it was the only print-shop open on the Sabbath!”

  11. Rogan says:

    My caption options for the Moses Cartoon:

    “I don’t care what he calls it, it still tastes like manna.”
    “It’s like I was telling my uncle Marty, no job is too important that can’t be outsourced.”
    “I don’t know what it means, but I want it tattooed on my back.”

  12. Rogan says:

    Hmmm… I think the outsourcing idea is solid, but my punchline could be a lot snappier. Any ideas?

  13. Rogan says:

    “The Eleventh Commandment: Whatever you do, it can be done cheaper in China.”

  14. Rogan says:

    “Does this mean I didn’t need to get circumcised?”

  15. Somehow the only thing I’m coming up with for the Moses cartoon is “Anybody? Anybody? …Buehler?” But that’s not particularly funny. Rogan’s are better, primarily the “still tastes like manna” one, though they still don’t really overcome the lack of funniness in the cartoon itself. There are a couple of funny captions at the anti-caption site, along the lines of “so that’s three votes for pizza, three for Chinese, three for manna.” But again, not funny enough. I like Dave’s idea linked in 9.

  16. ks says:

    I suck at these, too, and agree that it puts an odd kink in ones sense of humor to have to add a caption to pictures drawn by another. I think Rogan’s #14 suggestion is pretty good. As for the others, I am going to choose B all the way…but on the first one I thought A was also pretty amusing. LP, I think you’re very funny and I am sure one day you’ll win the NYer contest! I bet you get a big trophy and year’s free subscription.

  17. lane says:

    “Here’s the take-out menu for Christmas! Who wants what?”

  18. “I the lord your god am a no-MSG god.” I got nothing.

  19. ks says:

    #18 that’s a good one, lane! Esp. since, if it’s Moses, …well, you know…xmas didn’t yet exist.

  20. Jane says:

    My favorite of all of them is this one: “Until I recover, let’s just assume your prostate is fine.”

    That’s really clever.

  21. Tim says:

    #18 that’s a good one, lane! Esp. since, if it’s Moses, …well, you know…xmas didn’t yet exist.

    Wait! Since Christmas is in the heart, hasn’t it always been here?

    Okay, I’m guessing that Parrish wrote D, D, D, and A, but I read the New Yorker and remember a few of the options published for these.

    The funniest, in my book, are “None of the Above” for 1 and 4, and B for both 2 and 3. (Sorry, LP.) I totally guffawed out loud at the “Here’s to little Miss ‘Don’t You Touch My Hat'” one; the prostate one, well, some.

    I’m terrible at these, too, I never have anything outside of the incredibly obvious. In my book, a truly successful caption has to work with one’s expectations, but cut across them enough that it’s surprising and unusual.

  22. Scotty's mother says:

    Hon, I think your caption was the funniest thing I read all day! I love you!!!!!!

    Call me. I miss you soooooo much, and kiss Steph for me!!!!!!!!!

  23. lane says:

    thanks KS. and lisa too. she got my mind rolling on those lines.

    i submitted it. keep your fingers crossed.

  24. lane says:

    9. Dave that’s a great idea for a cartoon.

    drop by the studio some time and i’ll draw it.

  25. Stella says:

    I read these obsessively and can’t even come up with a half-assed line for any of them ever. I’m convinced LP wrote the “most empathetic in med school line” and that actually would have beaten out the others.

    one thing i love about these, is that a certain 12-year old daughter of a former tgw writer apparently enters this contest every week. oh, to be so calmly persistent, confident, and presumably witty at that age…

    otherwise LP is 1D, 2A, 3A and i give up on 4.

  26. Stella says:

    “Long journey, I know, but it turns out the other chosen people got here first.”

  27. Stella says:

    “If we can just get to the Orchid station, it’ll all become clear.”

  28. LP says:

    My lines = D, A, A, A. Scotty and Tim both 2-for-4, Stella 3-for-4. Should have guessed on that last one, Stella, you might have gotten 100%!

    And yes, I agree that for the last two cartoons, the captions chosen – both B – were better than my submissions.

  29. Dave says:

    28 makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  30. Natasha says:

    TMK, yours is hilarious, but it should read “OMG!… MSG!”

  31. Natasha says:

    “I’ve done enough for you, people! Can anybody read this?” and another one about why Moses broke the two originals and made up a story about “The Golden Calf”, since he was not about to lead them to China. Bave, I think that’s what Stella meant.

  32. Stella says:

    #30, #28 is a Lost reference. And all Lost references are funny to the three of us still watching….

  33. lane says:

    27. i laughed.