Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you: Celebrity Apprentice! The latest and greatest in reality fare, guaranteed to set your teeth on edge and make you feel smarter than everyone you’re watching.

The Donald is back!

And he’s better than ever, tormenting “celebrities” — some of whom have earned the moniker, some not so much — every Sunday night on your teevee box!

I was going to live-blog our Tivo’d episode of Celeb Apprentice for your reading pleasure, but sadly, I’m too darn tired to do it. Instead, here are some thumbnail sketches of my favorite contestants!

Jesse James, purveyor of fine upscale motorcycles and the husband of my favorite dramatic actress, Sandra Bullock. He’s hunky, absolutely. But he’s not the sharpest bulb in the drawer, if ya know what I mean. Still, I’m picking him to win it all.

Here’s who WON’T win it all:

Annie Duke, the bossiest lady in all of professional poker. Listen, to be a good poker player you basically have to be able to lie and manipulate. So why should we, or anyone else, like this champion player? We found out last week on Celeb Apprentice: We shouldn’t! She is a raging, Grade-A, undiluted, horrendous bi-atch. Or at least she’s edited that way.

Direct from the red carpet, we have: Joan Rivers!

You may wonder when you look at her “after” face how she can possibly think she looks better with all that work. But what the hey, I say. She likes the way she looks, she doesn’t try to hide the fact she’s had work done (as if she could!) and she’s still funny as hell.

On the other hand, what’s up with her daughter?

This photo’s not so bad, but on the show it looks like she’s had the same work done as her mother. But she’s YOUNGER THAN I AM! It’s worth tuning in each week just to marvel at the younger and elder Riverses.

And finally, the most interesting male player (since Andrew Dice Clay got voted off in week one — a stunning lapse by the producers if you ask me, because he was absolutely vile and impossible not to watch): Dennis Rodman!

Dennis might win if they change the format in Week 3 to add points for body art. Actually, he’d still only tie with Jesse James. But although D-Rod won’t win it all, maybe he’ll get another modeling gig for PETA. Or at least “Best Hair in Show” — assuming the big boss man isn’t in the running.