So, the truth

So, the truth: it’s 1:21 AM and I’m in a Kinko’s because I didn’t bring my computer with me on Christmas va-cay. I’m a little snockered on limoncellos and well, limoncellos and some guy named Loomis (which, by the way, I’m totally gonna use that name as either A) the name of a Miami homicide cop or B) the name of a victim), and heck I’m thinking of what to post because I so totally and completely forgot to post last time I was a-spossed to (thankyou thankyou LANE for covering!!! ) . Here’s the truth. This keyboard is fantastically loud TAP TAP TAP each time I hit a key and truer, each time I sit down to post, despite a ½ year respite and change of name, the truth is, my stalker is still out there, reading, tracking — I’m sure he knows what city I’m in and what hotel I’m staying at — and each time I sit down to write, I flinch. I cringe. Because (the man next to me is all, what are you typing, girl) I know he’ll be reading and it’s only a matter of hours before he (stalker, not keyboard dude, tho maybe) hounds me, incessantly, with emails — many of them because he only types in the subject line, remember, so all the emails together add up to a many-splendored thing — and I have to tell you; it makes me want to say nothing. Makes me not want to post. It makes me want to hide. I feel I can’t tell you, gentle reader, of all the joys I wish I could tell you about, because I know he’s watching.

I shoulda never written under a Google-able name. I shoulda been Dorothy all along, ruby slippers hitting the light. But I’m not. I’m here, fulfilling an obligation and frankly, dear reader, lying to you. TAP TAP TAP goes the keyboard (what are you typing, girl?). I can’t tell you about the adventures I’ve had because I don’t want him to know. I don’t want to find the snide email in the in-box of an oft-unchecked (but used for purchases) email. I don’t want him to know.


About me.

My life is my life. I choose to share it with you, whom I somewhat trust and mostly know and completely respect and long to be an innie with you (though I’ll always be an outie, given how we met). I simply am at a loss. I don’t know how to move forward with you and not him. I suppose I can password-protect my posts but blah. But what other option is there? Really? I feel so… TAP TAP TAP.

I hate it. I have so much to say.

To you.

But not YOU.

Help! Advice? Please tell me how to proceed, without the invisible, inevitable handcuffs (girl, tap tap TAP).

12 responses to “So, the truth”

  1. Marleyfan says:

    Can you change your email address, and only share it with your close friends and work? Or is work the problem? Does this guy (girl?) walk by your office, and stare just a half-a-second too long?

    Maybe you should go on the offensive. Ask the Superior Court for a restraining order. If you haven’t started doing so already, start documenting the dates, times, and subject of the unwanted attention.
    Many people will back down if you just tell them (forcefully)- I’m not going to take it any longer.

    Lastly, I know a guy who knows a guy…

  2. Jane says:

    I was going to say documentation, as well. Keep a catalogue. Pay strong attention to your surroundings and note weird or suspicious happenings. And report them to the police. Have them keep a record as well. Eventually you will ID him, and then you will be able to live your life again.

    You should also try to figure out which type of stalker you have. I believe that there are three types: 1) The type that doesn’t know you but is absolutely obsessed with you, 2) The type you once dated and refuses to believe that it’s over, and 3) The type that thinks you have wronged them in the past and is seeking vengeance.

    In any case, don’t be passive! And be confident. Stalkers usually feel more comfortable preying on fear. It makes them feel superior and strong.

    Also, avoid situations where you could potentially put yourself in danger (i.e. doing anything alone).

    I also know a guy who knows a guy…should it come up…

  3. Sorry, I don’t know any guys who know guys. What an unfortunate situation! If you’ve saved the e-mails he’s sent you over the years (how long has it been? Your “1/2 year respite” makes me think it’s been a while), could you use the headers to figure out where he’s sending from? If he’s using an anonymous remailer then no. But perhaps he has not remembered to use it every time, or something. This might help with ID’ing.

  4. Natasha says:

    It’s a tough one. It probably all depends on how bad the situation is. I have a good friend, who was a famous and very talented singer, who had to change her career, her name, and relocate to another part of the country, because her life was in serious danger. The police would not do anything unless the stalker was breaking the law. Apparently, trying to unlock her door in the middle of the night was not good enough.

    I encountered this problem myself with a couple of my customers. I have a customer who calls my office and records my conversations and leaves them for me on my cell phone. He knows my favorite music and leaves songs. He also named his daughter after me, which I found out through his concerned wife, who had no idea I existed until recently. He used to call and tell me what I was doing at the time, which was strange, considering the fact that I had no idea who he was. What really helped me was that I am naturally very friendly, I never freaked out, and always thanked the attention no matter how strange. I also talked to him when he called every 10-15 minutes (that was kind of disturbing) from a private # and kept silent. He got better over time. Most stalkers don’t mean harm. As long as you acknowledge them, they try harder to be nice. Someone once covered my front porch with flowers to the point that I could not open the front door. I don’t know who it was and could not thank him, but I did enjoy the bouquets all over my house.

    If you don’t want him to know anything about you — write fiction. Writing is about art, it’s not about disclosing personal information.

  5. lane says:

    When I was a kid, my sister was the subject of someone’s unwanted attention.

    One day, a sunday no less, he showed up at our house. My sister was married at this point, and living 40 miles south. My dad invited the guy in.

    We kids were in the basement.

    I’ll never forget my mom coming downstairs and whispering to us “We’re going to have him ARRESTED!” as she picked up the phone.

    Sure enough, 10 minutes later there were the Murray City cops at the door.

    We never heard from him again.

    I agree with Marleyfan and Jane. Go on the offensive. Start a paper trail.

    Call the cops now, ask for advice, and follow it.

    Don’t sit back and take it!

  6. lane says:

    wow, i just read what Natasha wrote, that’s weird.

    really weird . . .

  7. Kate the Great says:

    I agree with Natasha and Jane. If you can, talk with him. Be friendly and frank with him, but not overly personal. If you appear confident and unscathed, he won’t feel like he’s a threat to you anymore. If you appear unafraid, he’ll think that you think he’s just another guy among that flock of guys who are interested.

    While you’re being friendly, gather as much personal information as possible. Try to engage him and trap him into giving himself away. Then use the info to report him to police.

    Another thought: hire a private detective?

  8. julie says:

    If I remember correctly she knows who this person is…I disagree with talking friendly to him. What she should do is ignore him completely. Do not engage this person at all. Which includes writing about his very existance. Unfortunately unless he does something drastic the police will be no help. I also had a stalker for 10 years and it finally ended 2 years ago. It is the reason I had to leave the Hotel de Belfort (not mimi or her uncle but an exboyfriend) and our final goodbye came via myspace.

  9. Natasha says:

    :) Lane, yeah it is, but I have been living this way for years. I am used to it. I know people and have people to protect me, if things got out of control. I take taekwondo and kick box and know how to use a gun. I know how to turn a car key into a deadly weapon and was a notorious street fighter when I was a teen. I grew up during Perestroika: dangerous times. I don’t worry about my safety and can kick ass, but I do it for justice. Would not think once to get involved in a situation where innocent people got hurt. I just always saw stalkers as sad, but harmless people, missing things in their lives. Most people who stalk, threaten, snap, yell, flip off on the road, drink out of their brains, use drugs and act unacceptable are sad, angry and overwhelmed, but not dangerous. A homeless person once told me, “Why do you give a f%% about people, who don’t even give a f%% about themselves?” because sometimes people need a little help to change. I am weird though, my solution is not universal.

  10. Tim says:

    Er, isn’t our dear writer’s stalker reading these comments, too, and perhaps taking notes on how we are advising her to deal with him?

    Hi, stalker.

    Let’s see, what can I say directly to you that might alleviate this situation? I seek to help both you and Dorothy.

    My guess is that you’re not satisfied with not having contact with our friend. What you crave is some kind of control in your life, especially when it comes to communicating with her. However, the more you try to contact her, the more she shuts you out.

    Of course, this is frustrating, but at the same time you should understand that the control you crave in life is only available to you through what you yourself say and do, never from other people’s responses to you. You can never fully control how other people respond to you. No one can.

    There are many times in all people’s lives when they cross paths with other people with whom they’d like to be close, but, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out. Sometimes (probably most times) this failure to grow and remain close is no one’s direct fault, but often is due to circumstance or simple incompatibility. It’s too bad, but that’s just how it is. People get hurt by this kind of thing every day.

    The important thing is to learn how to respond in a way that is healthiest for oneself. My guess is that you understand that what you do with respect to Dorothy is not healthy for yourself. It seems to be something of a periodic borderline addictive behavior. You feel like you can’t help yourself from finding out where she is, what she’s up to, trying to contact her, etc. It may even really bother you that you can’t stop, but you don’t know what to do.

    As an analogy, once in the past someone broke up with me. I was devastated. I felt like I needed to talk to her every day. Every day, I had an overwhelming need to call her. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes talking to her helped. Most of the time it didn’t. I felt worse and worse because I wasn’t in control of my urges or actions. Eventually, with a great deal of work on trying to understand myself and my need to contact her, I figured out that it was control I lacked and craved. I decided to work on controlling my feelings, channelling my energy elsewhere.

    At first, I simply tried listening to the same 2 or 3 songs over and over whenever I thought about her. I practically wore out the grooves on those records (yes, records!). When I felt like calling her, I would play those songs instead. When I thought about her, I listened to them again. I would try to stop myself from playing them, embarrassed at how silly it was and how addicted to them I was. I would dare myself to go a day not listening to them. Sometimes I couldn’t, but sometimes I could. Then, eventually, there came times when I didn’t need to remind myself not to listen to them or to think about her. Those days became more frequent. Then, I just stopped. It seems stupidly simple, but this exercise in diversion and self-control helped me to understand that the patterns of my thoughts were like playing those songs over and over: boring.

    It got tiresome, and so I stopped without eventually even really trying. I felt much, much better because I came to realize that I was the only one who could control myself. I felt empowered. My life improved.

    Anyway, my advice to you is to try to gain the control you crave by controlling yourself. You are the only person you can control, and when you do control yourself you’ll feel accomplished, self-reliant, liberated even. Good luck with it.

  11. Tim says:

    Also, Loomis *is* an excellent name.

  12. Rogan says:


    I completely fell off the map for the last month, and am trying to catch up with other people’s posts, and yours is the first (as I catch up) to which I HAD to comment. Why? Because I really like your posts, and your writing is some of my favorite, and I would hate for you to have to compromise what you have to right because of some stalker! I sure hope you can find the solution, and I hope it doesn’t require the help of a friend of a friend of a friend.

    Also, this post has totally inspired a future post, which has nothing to do with stalking, and everything with procrastinating a post and writing it under the influence of foreign substances!

    Please be well, and keep up your wonderful work here.