Sitting in my hometown movie theater with a racing heart and sweaty palms, I must’ve been about 10. Jaws II was playing, and my young imagination could imagine nothing scarier than a GREAT WHITE SHARK.
In one of the scenes that occasionally replays in my brain-cinema, a teenage couple is out on a boating date when the suitor unexpectedly tumbles overboard. If the music were gay (and in the absence of the dorsal fin), you might imagine this happening in a Bette Davis/Cary Grant movie: a plucky young couple frolicking in the water before their first giggly-turned-magical kiss.
But the music – that tune you’ve heard mimicked a million times in backyard swimming pools – is churning, and the young lady starts screaming, “Swim, Eddie! Swim!” as she sees the giant fin gaining on her floundering boyfriend.
With Eddie paddling for his life, I press my feet against the Franklin Theater’s sticky concrete floor. I’m more aware of my legs than ever before, and I can’t help but imagine those Jaws clamping down and pulling me under – a fear that still gets me shit when on beach vacations (“No, honey, you go snorkeling without me; I’d rather sit here and read about medieval China”).
Eddie doesn’t make it. He is engulfed in a sea of teeth and gore. I grip my snuck-in box of Goobers and half-shut my eyes to partially obscure the screen. Still audible are the screams, however, and they’re the worst part.
As I write this post, millions of us feel as though we are sitting in that darkened main-street theater. This is the worst part of the presidential race – our Eddie is currently doing well and is outswimming the great white. However, we know that anything can happen to impede his strokes or to speed the trailing fin: Was he born in Kenya? Does he “pal around with terrorists?” Is he an Arab? (Why haven’t any pundits addressed McCain’s racist response to this “allegation?”)
We’ve seen enough movies to understand that this is the most dangerous moment for our hero, so we bite our nails and await the inevitable October surprise – the Jaws clamping down on our handsome young Eddie and pulling him under while the cellos thunder violently.
Walking my dog through my California neighborhood, I count the McCain/Palin lawn signs, knowing that I live in a safe blue harbor, but still reacting physically to their dorsal presence – the reminder that others are as passionate about their Eddie as I am about mine.
We all press our feet to the sticky movie theater floor and wait, knowing that the not knowing is the worst part. Duuuh-Duhm… Duuuh-Duhm…
Funny: Matt Yglesias has a post this morning to the effect of, the media are doing their best to portray the race as suspenseful, but it’s a done deal at this point. That echoes my perceptions (which god knows have been faulty in the past.) Hope he and I are right — RealClearPolitics thinks Obama has more than 270 “safe” electoral votes.
Scotty and Wolf Blitzer are conspiring to make this election more suspenseful than Jaws!
In such a racially charged election it is funny to think of McCain as a Great White Shark. Unfortunately if the genre is horror, we all know what happens to the black guy. Thanks for the post. You nailed that queasy feeling so many of us have in the pit of the stomach.
eeeeek!
it’s scarier that jaws and halloween, combined!
scott i know the feeling you describe with the lawn signs.
at william’s school halloween party last weekend one of the teachers was wearing a mccain/palin pin. i couldn’t help but not like her, a tiny bit.
scott, i share your feelings about the election, especially those lawn signs, but as a 70′s movie nut i was so excited with your childhood memories that i wanted more from the theatre. i love how it was jaws2 that stuck in your mind!
trixie, i’m frustrated that i can’t wear any obama gear at work but that’s ok for the moment if everybody plays by the same rules but i’m surprised your state allows teachers to wear political buttons…or do they? you may be able to do something about that tiny bit of dislike after all.
others are as passionate about their Eddie as I am about mine
This article, while funny, just sums up why bipartisan discourse has become almost impossible. Makes our (I mean, your) discussion yesterday all the more impressive, really.
4: The other night, we were walking the dog, and an SUV slowed to let us cross the street (they didn’t have a stop sign). When I noticed that they had a McCain/Palin sticker in their side window, I didn’t want to accept their kind gesture. I tried to wave them past, but Swells (who’s about a billion times nicer than me) stepped off the curb, and gave a “thank you” nod. I had no choice but to cross as well, and I was a little miffed that I had to be all “thanks!” to some McCain jerk-head.
3: Believe it or not, the racial metaphor was actually a happy accident.
5: I was going to write an essay about Piranha or maybe Alligator, but neither has the cachet of the Jaws franchise.
Did I tell you about the car I recently saw on the freeway that had an NRA bumper sticker and another one that said “I heart waterboarding”? I would have thought the waterboarding sticker might have been a joke, but the NRA sticker situated it.
Talk about frightening…
Keeping my fingers crossed for a dull, uneventful debate… Good luck tonight, Eddie!
(I’m not going to be able to see McCain and not think of a great white shark now… Thanks, Scotty.)
go, phillies!
no offense, west coasters!
everyone, i wish you were all here to witness the mayhem that is occuring on our street corner as a result of the phillies win tonight.
i will attempt to post one of the videos that we took tomorrow.
goodnight all
ps. lurker, don’t get us started. don’t even get us started.
Sorry, Trix, I took the lurker’s bait. Also, congratulations on the Phils. They certainly deserve it. All the same, it pains me greatly to see the Dodgers go down in flames like that.
related
Can’t help being tickled by this.
From last night’s debate, definitive proof that McCain is indeed a great white shark trying to eat up Obama.
Click here.
15:
cringe!
how horrifying.
Sweet pic! AWB was just telling me about that one.
People, the presidential election is over. Start gearing up for other battles. No on 8. Health care for all. Significant controls on carbon emissions.
13: the story of the NJ Maneater is one of my favorites. Did you know that the shark swam about 30 miles inland and killed a boy swimming in a freshwater swimming hole? Talk about gripping your box of Goobers!!
If you’re interested in the story, there’s a book I highly recommend called Close to Shore. A must read for any shark obsessed freak.