They can’t take that away

I’ll be the first to admit that I suffer from the Palin blues. Since her nomination, I’ve had a hard time thinking about much else. And I know of at least three of you out there who are in the same boat.

The point of this post is to try to soothe those of us who would be hard pressed to imagine anything worse than waking up on the morning of November 5th and facing the prospect of a McCain and Palin future.

I don’t intend to sound like a “defeatocrat.” In reality, I still have faith that Obama will win. However, I do think it prudent to prepare for the worst. In that spirit, the following are a list of some things that will be the same if November 5th turns out to be Black Wednesday (and I don’t mean in a good way).

Puppies and Kittens:
Whether you’re a dog or a cat person, I think we can all agree that both puppies and kittens are as cute as hell. Remember, people, that no matter what happens, puppies and kittens will still be super cute. Nothing – NOTHING! – will change that.

We are entering soup season. Find me someone who’s never thought, “Wow, that’s a great bowl of soup!” It doesn’t matter if you prefer broth or cream-based, meat or vegetarian, noodle or barley; soup will still warm you up on the most blustery of nights. And think of all the money you’ll save on salt, as you’ll be crying in your soup if the unthinkable becomes thinkable.

The Clash’s first album:
The punk rock bliss that is The Clash (1977) will only sound better under a McCain/Palin cloud. As the economy continues to tank, you can scream along to “Career Opportunities”; as we stay the course in Iraq, you can tap your toe to “Hate and War”; and “I’m So Bored With the U.S.A” will never have sounded so insanely pertinent. Time to get the tattoo you’ve always wanted and put a safety pin through your nose.

Since your job will have been outsourced, think of all the time you’ll have to curl up with a good book – and those that haven’t been burned will read even better by the warm glow of a mushroom cloud. Another bonus: since funding to libraries will probably be cut, you’ll be able to snap up all the classics for about ten cents apiece. Now that’s the true spirit of an “ownership society”!

Holding hands:
Remember that feeling you had the first time you held hands with someone you were really into? Or the feeling of walking with your partner, when you’re both in your own little worlds, and your hands collide, and you both instinctively grab on? Pretty good stuff, eh? No Republican fuck can take that away from you. I say we hold hands in protest and don’t let go no matter how much the forces of evil want to separate us.

No, not the band, the food! Sometimes I wonder if birthday cake is nothing more than a suicide-prevention ploy. Seriously, would you really hang around for another year if it weren’t for the promise for a nice hunk of cake as reward? And if the unthinkable occurs, you may need more reason to stick it out over the next four to eight years. Time to get really creative. It may take more than yellow cake with chocolate icing to keep me on this bullshit planet. I wonder if Cindy McCain has any more original recipes to pass along to the American public?

Though the Christian freakjobs will try to shorten history by about four billion, five hundred forty-nine million, nine hundred forty thousand years, it won’t change. After a couple billion years of formation, the earth cooled, the oceans formed, and single-celled organisms evolved into all life on the planet.

Good thing Republicans hate science so much, or they might build a time machine, go back into the past, and really fuck things up!

The future:
Yes, people, it’s a fact. No matter what we do, or who we elect, none of this really matters. In a few billion short years, the sun will expand, swallowing Mercury, Venus, and, I’m sorry to say, the Earth, before imploding and burning out. You can pray all you want, but your silly little god is powerless over this reality; sorry. Put that in your crackpipe and smoke it, Sarah.

If none of this cheers you up, you should at least get a kick out of the fact that Cindy McCain and former Runaway/‘80s rocker, Lita Ford, could totally pass as sisters – or at least as bandmates.

23 responses to “They can’t take that away”

  1. Tim says:

    Scotty, I could think of no better present for you to give me on your own birthday! Thanks, pal.

    Happy birthday! I’ll hold hands and share a bowl of soup with you anytime.

  2. Jeremy says:

    Awww, thanks, Scotty, for curing me of my blues, if even for a moment…

    But will Tina Fey ever be as hot as she once was, now that I can’t separate her in my mind from you know who?

    By the way, did any of you read George Saunders’ piece in the NYer? So funny (also).

  3. Dave says:

    It’s your birthday, Scott? Happy happy!

    Which are cuter, puppies or kittens?

  4. LP says:

    Puppies and kittens holding hands! Even cuter!

    S. Godfree! Cutest of all!

  5. swells says:

    In case anyone missed the long awaited Tina Fey impersonation (which is dead on, I might add!, here you go: Trust me, it will take a little of your pain away (while adding a little too).

    But you know what SP can’t take away from me? The delightfulness of S Godfree–let’s celebrate that he was born to remind us about puppies and soup..

  6. swells says:

    Sorry, bad link–try this:

  7. swells says:

    okay, drats, the link changed from when I last clicked on it . . . on the thumbnails click on “palin/hillary open” and then excuse me for being lame

  8. rm says:

    happy birthday scott,

    i am so cranky and overly invested that i have absolutely no sense of humor regardomg/ability to ironically contemplate another electoral loss.

    for the multitude who are no doubt interested i’ll even break out my old letter to the oc weekly columnist (hey, i was young and they even printed it) calling him out for explaining how bush wouldn’t be that much worse than gore and how his election would just cause us cool people to pull closer together, etc.

    still bitter about “winning” that argument.

    a phyrric victory, some might even say…

  9. Scott Edward says:

    Thanks to all for the birthday wishes.

    The gandest accomplishment of my 38th year? The completion of my MA program? Naw! It was coming up with the faux-band name, Exor-Siss.

    Mr. Barber, I’d say that even though I’m not a cat person, kittens are usually cuter – you in a kitten suit would be the cutest of all.

  10. Scott, let me be the first to wish you a happy birthday. Oh too late? Well…

    I felt so happy when Clinton was president, compared to how I’ve been feeling these last 7 years. Of course there are other factors — I really liked my job in the 90’s, from 2002-6 I had jobs I really disliked, now I’m in a better job so things are looing up a little; vagaries of the economy of course play a role; and being a father has both lifted my spirits and sometimes frustrated me, against the backdrop of being unhappy with the government. But I just have this strong impression that I will Be Happy if Obama is elected, and miserable if not.

  11. Jenomnibus says:

    I’ve always felt that snuggling is an excellent tonic and cure-all.

  12. LT says:

    And, also, all the art work you’ll make, Scotty, out of frustration and potential out-of-workness…I’ve got plenty of wall space left.

    BTW, yesterday my little Obama-balloon popped while, on an unnamed California State University campus, I approached an outside table covered with Obama paraphernalia: stickers, shirts, posters…I thought “comrades! spreading the word!” and picked up a 3 x 5 sticker of an Obama “Change” variety. How much? 3 bucks!! An unframed “Believe” poster: $125!! Somewhere there are capitalists laughing their asses off.

    Scott Godfree for President!

  13. Jenomnibus says:

    P.S. Happy Birthday Scottedward!

  14. Jeremy says:

    I know it’s silly to put too much stock in the daily polls (or to look at them as feverishly as I do, every morning, at 10am PST, when Gallup updates its own daily tracking poll), but I am heartened by the fact that Obama has regained the lead (however statistically insignificant, given margins of error and whatnot) for the first time since the RNC.

    (And have you all heard/read about how Palin’s favorability rating has dropped 10 points since last week?)

  15. Scott Edward says:

    And have you all heard/read about how Palin’s favorability rating has dropped 10 points since last week?

    It’s a birthday miracle!!

  16. Rachel says:

    Happy birthday, Scott! I’m glad you were born, glad to know you, and glad you wrote this post. (p.s. I like kittens, books, soup, The Clash, and cake, too! What are the odds?!)

  17. swells says:

    Something else they can’t take away: the MAJESTY and RAW POWER of Nick Cave!!! Tim and Jen took Scott and me to the Hollywood Bowl tonight for our birthdays to see this amazing mindblowing spectacle. Check your dates everyone–he is on his way to SF and NY soon–DO NOT MISS IT!!!

  18. Adriana says:

    Happy (belated) birthday Scott! I love this post. Mmmm, comforting, just like a hot bowl of recession-proof soup.

  19. farrell fawcett says:

    hey scott,

    I just got caught up on TGW and wanted you to know that there are at least four not just “three of us suffering from the sarah palin blues. I can’t bring myself to read anything more about her I’m so low. Thanks for this list. It’s the same thing I wanted when i had me some “end of summer” blues a few weeks ago. And Palin can’t take away scott’s extraordinary gift of composing off-the-cuff genius acapella songs of love and humor. I have hope that that will never change. And happy belated birthday. Hope the concert was great.

  20. Something else they can’t take away: the MAJESTY and RAW POWER of Nick Cave

    I was reading an interview with Robyn Hitchcock a couple of months back in which the interviewer asked whether he had any concerns about the coming economic downturn; his answer was something like “Well I expect I’ll still have a job, there have been musicians for as long as there have been alcoholics.”

    Ah — here it is. The exchange is Q. “What skill do you have for a post-oil world?” A. “Musicians have been around for as long as alcoholics. Where there’s a past there’s a future.”

  21. Scott Edward says:

    20: Yes, I was trying to capture some of this spirit in my appreciation of The Clash.

    I remember saying when W “won” in 2000 that his presidency would be good for music. In hindsight, I’d have taken Gore and 8 more years of Whitney Houston domination. Although if Gore won two terms, the Dems would’ve likely nominated Leiberman for this race. Could you imagine having to chose between McCain and his number one lapdog?

  22. Brian says:

    First, a belated happy birthday. I hope the cake was a sinful chocolate bullshit kinda thing.

    I really enjoyed your post scott. Kittens, cake and the clash rock in good times and bad times. In these sullen stretches, a gentle reminder is necessary to notice the brighter side of things. So thank you.

    As for Sarah Palin and her kind, I think we have rounded the corner. My prediction is that the dark days are ending and the GOP will soon be sleeping with the fishes.

    So as we wind down the bush administration clock and get ready for the last push of the unforgivably long election cycle I leave you with the lyrics of “Scream to Say” by Uniform Choice. Reagan era hardcore that seems just as relevant today as it did then. Scott, I think you’ll appreciate this.

    Please read at breakneck speed.

    Scream so many things
    None of which will be heard
    Stronger minds a new direction
    Intelligence builds our word
    See the time for us to unite
    And set the others straight
    Building for the future
    Moving through the ones that wait

    We scream to say
    You better listen

    We’re in a time of tragic need
    Of definite despair
    Where hatred is the way of life
    And no one seems to care
    We must keep moving forward
    Cannot think about the past
    For all our days are numbered
    And the next could be our last

    Now we’ve come to one conclusion
    And we have to stick with it
    Seeing minds turn to hate
    And attitudes turn to shit
    Screaming for the future
    Our voices breaking loud
    Look into ourselves
    See the answers found

  23. michael says:

    Scotty – thank you. You always make me feel better when I’m in need of feeling better.
    Here’s to our paths crossing in the near future.