Us (and them) weekly

My name is S. Godfree and I am an addict. That’s not completely true – I can usually control myself and not actively pursue my guilty weakness, but every now and again, I’m in a place where it’s easily attainable, and most frighteningly, free. To make matters worse, we recently had a couple of houseguests (you know who you are) who brought the junk directly into my home. My final downfall in which I came face to face with my number one weakness? Someone absentmindedly left an Us Weekly in the powder room. Don’t these people know how important it is to keep celebrity magazines away from me?

I DO care that Reese and Jake are doing well, and are on holiday together in Paris – according to pals, he’s completely committed, by the way.

I DO care that Madonna is destroying A-Rod’s wife – that slut, Madonna, has to sink her claws into every man she meets!

I DO care why Cameron has gone green – besides being stylish and sexy, she’s just so darn responsible.

However, here’s where my joyride down Celeb-rag Boulevard comes to a screeching halt. I inadvertently flip the page to the feature that always sickens me, and zaps me right back into my Marxist malaise: Stars—They’re Just Like US!

But are they really? Just look at these people living their bloated and materialistic lifestyles:

This picture represents exactly what I’m talking about. It may be true that we all enjoy a cocktail from time to time, but on the Italian coast!? Okay, a slight admission: I’m going to be in Amalfi in a couple of weeks, but still, this picture disgusts me.

All right, all right…so I’ve been to Cannes, but I didn’t rent a Jet Ski while I was there; that would have just been soooooo bourgeois. Instead, I sat on the beach or frolicked in the Mediterranean like all the other plebes.

So um, I’m different from these stars: I actually pay to have someone else wash my car. Unlike Carmen and Rob, I think it’s important to support the people who work in car washes. Also, I’m sure my ride costs way less than theirs. Driving a Dodge is a prime example of the type of conspicuous consumption I’m trying to talk about here. It just sickens me.

Okay, I have to admit that as a child I loved these slides where you sit in the burlap sack, but Madonna (the whore) should know that there are people all over the world who dress in burlap sacks because they can’t afford quality fabrics (satin sheets, a luxury so fine, indeed!). As opposed to Ms. Ciccone, I prefer sleeping on Egyptian cotton – satin is purely for pajamas.

Maybe the true guilt I feel when looking at entertainment magazines is that instead of the previous pictures, I see these:

So as we see, people, my true guilty pleasure is simply GUILT. What’ve you got?

22 responses to “Us (and them) weekly”

  1. LP says:

    I didn’t think the photo of Scotty-as-Carmen-Electra could be topped (nice gams, Godfree!). But Scotty-as-Rocco is priceless. So real!

  2. Dave says:

    Stars! They use Photoshop! They post on the Great Whatsit! They’re just like us!

  3. Marleyfan says:

    That was perfect; definitely brought a smile to my face. But dude, three words for you- Just For Men.

  4. Silverfox Godfree says:

    Yeah, you can totally see De Nero and Denzel’s grey in those pictures. It must be really embarrassing for them.

  5. Gale says:

    Dude, why you feel so guilty? You look so good on slide! You look so good with drink in hand!

  6. Jeremy says:

    Sure, stars are just like us. But do stars love Scotty as much as I do?

    (And, umm, in a few days aren’t you going to be doing exactly what Denzel is pictured doing…?)

  7. Dave says:

    So to get with the spirit of Thursday Favorites, I’ve been thinking about my own favorite guilty pleasure. Everything I think of is either banal (Law & Order) or annoying (reading Bulgakov in translation, not in the original). (I made the last one up.) Soft-serve ice cream, maybe? I had some the other day from a Mr. Tastee truck and it was fantastic, although objectively maybe not all that great.

  8. LP says:

    “Reading Bulgakov in translation”? David Barber, I hereby grant you full permission to enjoy that as a pleasure rather than a guilty pleasure. On the other hand, I might insist you translate it back into Russian as you go along, just for the practice.

  9. swells says:

    Well, apart from the bathtub sponge (which is too lame to be considered an actual pleasure), I might list marshmallows, or candy corn, as my guiltiest pleasures. Also, early Stephen King. Not that he’s the biggest pleasure, but I probably have the most guilt about it.

  10. lane says:

    that was really cute

  11. Scotty says:

    Dave: I pouted all the way home (on an hour long boat ride) from Catalina because I didn’t have enough cash to buy a vanilla soft-serve cone with rainbow sprinkles (not jimmies).

    JZ: that’s exactly the point of my post, but I guess I didn’t communicate that well enough. But I did read loud and clearly how much you love me. Thanks you sweet boy.

  12. LP says:

    Ps: Godfree, I think those silver locks make you look distinguished. And, more important, hot.

  13. Dave says:

    Being a grownup = having enough money to buy soft-serve with sprinkles = getting gray hair.

  14. lane says:

    “Ps: Godfree, I think those silver locks make you look distinguished. And, more important, hot.”

    yeah and i only thought your were Billy Baldwin for like . . . 6 seconds, 8 at the most.

    i swear!

  15. Jeremy says:

    oh, yeah. duh. i was too distracted by the photos to notice that i was supposed to be reading, too.

  16. julietheppqueen says:

    am i the only one that thinks scott might just be a little sick?
    steph is there help?
    chuckling at your dementia and the thought of you perfecting your photoshop with bitten lip.
    you funny!
    i’ll admit to googling courtney love on a slow news day. did anyone see her walking out of the breaking pacific ocean with her guitar hanging losely off her skeletal body?
    can we see that with the beloved scotty’s mug attached?
    (please)

  17. Scotty says:

    You got a link to the picture, Ms. Queen?

  18. julietheppqueen says:

    Nope I sadly searched for hours after that posting in hopes…but to no avail. sigh

  19. Beth W says:

    For a second when I saw the revised photos I thought I saw Ben Affleck’s head! Was it the hair?

  20. lane says:

    Ben Affleck, no way,

    Billy Baldwin.

  21. autumn says:

    love it.

  22. LT says:

    seriously.