I hereby resolve

Resolved: To take a multivitamin every day, rather than buying those big bottles of them and forgetting to take them until they’re out of date.


Resolved: To get Lasik. Someday.

Resolved: To play my guitar more before the dust swallows it completely and it’s just a giant faux termite hill in the corner of my living room.


Resolved: To never again fail to see a doctor after injuring myself because I don’t want to pay for it.

Resolved: To not berate myself every time I look at the swollen knuckle of my slightly crooked finger that will probably be arthritic soon because I didn’t go to the doctor.


Resolved: To stop futzing around so much on the Internet every day.

Resolved: To comment more on TGW. This is not in conflict with the above resolution. One does not “futz” on the Great Whatsit. One furthers a vast, fascinating, utterly vital conversation.


Resolved: To call friends I love and miss more often.

Resolved: To feel less grief about the coming demise of the printed newspaper.


Resolved: To stop my hideously expensive subscription to the New York Times.

Resolved: To use my blender more.


Resolved: To use sentence fragments whenever appropriate. Like now.

Resolved: To never be a snippy, whiny, quick-tempered persnickety bitch, ever.

Resolved: Who you callin’ snippy? Shut the fuck up!

Resolved: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

Resolved: I feel better already. Time to take a vitamin!


Resolved: To wish all TGW readers a happy 2008.


11 responses to “I hereby resolve”

  1. marleyfan says:

    Happy New Year TGW

  2. MF says:

    LP, You make me laugh out loud. Happy New Year!

  3. LP — what i found funniest about the song at the end is that it’s so your style of song — it sounds exactly like the songs you write for friends’ birthdays, weddings, etc. maybe you have a career ahead of you in web novelty song writing. get out your guitar.

    1: happy new year, marleyfan. i hope you’ve resolved to come to to new york this year.

    new year’s non sequitur: so last night ww & co were over before we all swung down to fresh salt. someone mentioned ruth buzzi but not everyone remembered who she was, so we headed over to the computer to rally the old youtube: here’s what we found, one of my favorite sketches from childhood. since it also deals with mirrors i thought it would be worth passing on.

    i like 2008 so far.

  4. Ruth Buzzi says:

    how soon they forget

  5. marleyfan says:

    BTW- Happy New Year to you. I reluctantly resolved to write at least one post for TGW and to join the Life and Death Brigade. Remembering however the 10% rule of all resolutions, it is likely that I can only be 50% successful, whereby placing me in the 90%; at least I’ll finally be able to be in the majority.

    Marleyfan’s recommendation- The Gilmore Girls (season one).

  6. Tim says:

    I resolve to make sure Parrish goes to the doctor to get her finger x-rayed. Jeepers, it looks worse and worse.

    Happy New Year to one and all!

  7. JD says:

    Firstly, cheers to sentence fragments. Bit fan. Myself. If you’re going to live in LA you might also want to adapt Newspeak as well, replacing all those great GRE adjectives with “cool”, “way cool”, “super cool” and of course, “super plus cool”.

    Secondly, no, no, no Lasik. The glasses are way too cute on you. Glasses=super cool.

    Darling, we love you because you are a persnickety bitch – please don’t change that as it would be like removing the color from a rose. Or the fur from a puppy. It would be way un-cool.

    Where’s the resolution about singing more karaoke and writing the next great American novel? If that damn EAT, PRAY, LOVE can be a hit, I’m sure your great opus – WHINE, WINE and KARAOKE would be huge. As I type the words I can already hear the phone ringing with Spielberg wanting to adapt it to film and Oprah wanting you on the couch. Super plus cool.

    Also, if you’re going to adapt to LA, you probably have to realize that we get our vitamins from our Jamba Juice smoothies (which you can make in your blender) and the only pill chaser we follow with is a xanax or valium.

    Cheers and Happy New Year, dollface.

  8. LP says:

    T-Wag, no worries – that’s an old photo, right after the initial injury. It looks way less colorful now.

  9. Adriana says:

    Three cheers for sentence fragments. Death to the complete sentence! Its persnickety reign must come to an end.

    Hey, you forgot to add “visit New York as often as possible.”


  10. irony-challenged says:

    3: Bryan, your comment really got me to thinking; you’re right, I should write more songs in ’08, for any and all occasions. I just got a nice new camera for xmas, so can make videos too. .

    Then I saw this obituary in today’s NYT. Now, that‘s what I call some party songs. Something to aspire to.

    Loved the Ruth Buzzi clip, btw! And how about Marie having a conniption at the end? I thought they were going to have to bring in an oxygen tank.

  11. irony-challenged says:

    Hee hee. I really should learn how to change out of my false identities before posting.