Ode to America’s Pastime

The scenario: Cleveland Indians vs. NY Yankees, game 4. Yankees are down 2-1, must win this game to stay in the playoffs. Watching the game in my living room.

Inning 1:

What the hell! The first Indian batter hits a home run. Yankees are in a hole from the very start. More hits, another run scores. Pull the pitcher! He’s stinking up the joint! Boooooo! Booooooo!

Bottom half of the inning, the Yankees threaten but do not score, in part because A-Rod, Mr. Choke-tober, strikes out swinging. Was ever a player more cursed? A-Rod, what a bust.

Time for some ice cream, yum. Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked.


Inning 2:

The Yankees’ woes continue! Indians load the bases, pitcher Chien-Ming Wang is melting down worse than my ice cream. Bring in the Mooooose: Mike Mussina. Except he can’t get it done either. Two more runs score: Cleveland 4, Yankees 0.

Not looking good for the Yanks. Joe Torre will lose his job for sure.

Hmm, jobs. I still don’t have one, and my savings are evaporating. Best not to think about it. At least I’m not melting down in the playoffs on national teevee.

Inning 3:

Okay, I love baseball, but these games really do move at a snail’s pace. Meantime, thank god for Boing Boing! Here’s what’s happening over there:

Video of Very Small German Man Laughing at a Camel

Video of Untethered Ladybug Balloon

How to Make a Glowing Punk Cupcake


Innings 4-5:

Talking on the phone, sending text messages. Endured a brief but frustrating misunderstanding with a friend this morning; trying to fix it now. The game’s still on TV, but on mute now. What’s the score? 6-1? Sheesh.

Inning 6:

Tim Wager arrives. I serve him potato chips and a Coke. He notices a book in my living room called Life Colors: What the Colors in Your Aura Reveal. “What is this, Parrish?” he asks. “Have you gone all Southern California on us?” I explain that my next door neighbor lent it to me, declaring that she had deduced I was a “Yellow,” and inviting me to take the easy quiz in the front that tells you your aura color. I did. She was right. I have a yellow aura. How did she know?

Wager scoffs, but then takes the color test himself and declares he is Blue. He reads aloud the description — Intuitive! Sensitive! Compassionate! — as I nod. Yes… why didn’t I see it before? Blue! Dodger Blue!

A quick glance at the TV reveals that Bon Jovi is in Yankee Stadium! There he is, in a baseball cap and a black t-shirt that says, “TELL YOUR MOM I SAID HI.”

Johnny Damon gets a hit. I love that guy. He’s really handsome, even with short hair and even in a Yankee uniform.


Johnny Damon as a Steinbrenner-mandated clean-cut Yankee, and as a Jesus-like member of the Red Sox.

Inning 7:

Wager gives me a whole recap of the 1988 playoffs in which the Dodgers beat the A’s. He has an astonishing memory for detail. Which is, not coincidentally, a classic characteristic of someone with a “Blue” aura.

He leaves to pick up J-Man from work, even though the game’s not over. True dedication to spouse: Blue. Totally blue.

A-Rod hits a home run. Okay, maybe he’s not a total bust.

Inning 8:

After more text messages and a phone call, minor crisis with friend resolved. Phew. Yankees still losing. I need this game to end so I can go to a big lesbo event in West Hollywood: the premiere party for Exes and Ohs, a comedy on the Logo Channel starring someone a few of you Whatsiters know from BYU: actor / writer Michelle Paradise. Here she is in a hilarious faux interview with comedian Julie Goldman

Inning 9:

A-Rod just popped out for the second out of the inning. Mere mortal once again.

Jeezus, hurry up and get the last out. I’ve got a party to go to.

Let’s go, Red Sox!

19 responses to “Ode to America’s Pastime”

  1. Bryan says:

    i love how this post simultaneously baseball blogs (i think that would almost be a first for TGW if not for tim wager) and manages to squeeze in so many fun links. not to mention a reference to a long lost friend-turned-celebrity comdian.

    it shouldn’t surprise you, parrish, to know my color’s red. yellow suits you, though i think you probably had red undertones. tim is so totally freaking blue. and no, i don’t really think there are only four personality types in the world. there have to be at *least* 16. you know, to cover non-Western cultures.

  2. Scotty says:

    I was watching MSNBC this morning, and a bunch of talking heads somehow transitioned from the Democratic race to whether or not Joe Torre was going to get the ax. The final word was from the show’s host(ess) who said: “I hope not; he’s such a good American.”

    Hard hitting as always!

  3. LT says:

    Parrish, I would have guessed you were yellow myself, though I have no idea what that means. I think I’m pink. And brown.

    Poor Yankees. It’s a little late this year, but you might wanna think about becoming an Angels fan.

  4. Tim Wager says:

    Joe Torre is a good American. Why, he could probably kill the terrorists with his bare hands.

    Also, let’s not forget that I’m kind of a sensitive tan, right on the border between logical tan and full-on blue. Yes, I’ve been in LA too long.

  5. Scotty says:

    Joe Torre is a good American. Why, he could probably kill the terrorists with his bare hands.

    Maybe that’s why Rudy is such a big fan.

    But how do you explain this?

  6. Jeremy says:

    you were actually pulling for the yankees, parrish? ick. and i thought we were friends…

  7. Scotty says:

    Yankees=Lakers. Zitter explain yourself…

  8. Jeremy says:

    i hate the lakers! (no i don’t… yes i do… no i don’t… )

  9. brooke says:

    The Yankees stink. Parrish I agree about A-Rod, but he’s not as cursed as Moose. That guy. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started. I would have preferred to see the Yankees win and Dallas lose…

  10. Ruben Mancillas says:

    Sadly, this sports season has only allowed me the (not insubstantial) joys of schadenfreude thus far.

    UCLA loses…but so does USC.

    The Dodgers flame out…but the Yankees go down too.

    I’m with Zitter-the Yankees, LP, the Yankees?

    What is the title of Johnny Damon’s autobiography again?

    Scott, this isn’t the place to school you as to the power and glory of the Lakers (they’re transplants just like you, show some love already) but I will break in to a Wageresque reverie at any given moment of watching the Showtime era on channel 9 with Chick Hearn and Keith Erickson broadcasting.

    And Scotty, shouldn’t you be on your fantasy basketball website right now anyway?

  11. LP says:

    Please, let there be calm in Great Whatsit Nation. I was pulling for the Yankees to win so the Red Sox could crush them in the next round. What must you all think of me?

  12. Scotty says:

    So, if I cared about baseball, I’d be a Yankees fan. Sorry to all haters. I understand you distain, but for me, it’s genetic.

    Ruben, thank you for finally opening my as to the glory that is the Lakers. I will now return to my fansasy scouting.

  13. cynthia says:

    GO RED SOX and yankes suck

  14. Bryan says:

    go cynthia!

  15. I don’t need to comment. You guys are entertaining as it is.

  16. Long Player: Reading this again tonight (is it OCD to refresh this page every time I open a browser?) I’m wondering if you actually composed it inning by inning or if you wrote it later that night.

  17. stephanie wells says:

    You mean some other people *don’t* refresh this page every time they open a browser?

  18. i’m so glad i refreshed to get your comment, sw.

  19. LP says:

    Bryan: Inning by inning. Finished it just as the game ended.