This Year’s Oscar Menu

Okay. The Oscars are on Sunday night. Billy Crystal has already finished polishing off his best impersonations of Howard Cosell and Sammy Davis, Jr. (you know, for the kids). Your friends have expressed zero interest in the Oscars (to quote one of my friends: “oh, they’re having that again this year?”), but you continue to want to participate in the tradition of having high hopes on a Sunday night and being ultimately bored and disappointed.

So invite your pals over, and entice them with food. But not just any food. A nine-course meal with each dish based on one of the best picture nominees! Doesn’t that sound fun? No? Sure it does! No? Well I’m planning a menu for you anyway.

1st Course – Amuse Bouche

Theme – Moneyball

Start off with little meatballs on sticks to take around as guests start showing up. Keep the conversation light, talking maybe about sports. What’s that? You don’t know anything about sports? Well a cursory knowledge in complex statistics and sabermetrical algorithms should suffice. Remember to speak very quickly so as to sound intelligent, but don’t let anyone really understand what you are saying.

2nd Course – Fish

Theme – The Descendants

Get some local fish from Hawaii, like a mahimahi, maybe wrap it in a lettuce bed? Maybe add some mango to the mix? I don’t know. It’ll be good. Like, no, it’ll be good, just not great. You probably wouldn’t eat it again, but it had all of the ingredients and makings of being something great. That scene where he runs down the street in moccasins was pretty funny though.

3rd Course – Soup

Theme – Hugo

I suppose this should be a porridge of some kind? Something a homeless child eats. A liquid with unidentified chunks coming out of it. Ask your guests to provide their own costumes for this course. A jacket that is covered in patches, a smudge of black under one eye and a wooden spoon that is kept randomly in the jacket sleeve.

4th Course – Beef

Theme – War Horse

Um, so this might not be the most popular course. All I know is that the entire time I was watching War Horse, only one thought was running through my head: that horse looks deeeelicious. By the time I left the theater I was ready to go on a feeding frenzy at the Kentucky Derby. Now, I know that horse meat isn’t totally street legal, but neither is your Oscar party. Do you want to host the Oscar party where everyone filled out ballots and then went home at midnight or do you want to host the Oscar party WHERE YOU ATE A MOTHERFUCKING HORSE? That’s what I thought. Ask me later. I know a guy.

5th Course – Palate Cleanser

Theme – The Artist

A light, pleasant sorbet to take a break from the rest of this heavy fare. It’ll melt in your mouth almost instantly, and minutes after, you’ll forget you even had it. Then, several months later everyone will say it was the best course of the evening for some reason.

6th Course – Rabbit

Theme – Tree of Life

Don’t even cook the rabbit. Have everyone stare at a dead rabbit on the table. Then softly whisper to everyone “There are two ways through life. The way of nature, and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you’ll follow” while your hands gently graze the tips of some nearby grass. Then, turn off all the lights in your apartment and make shadow puppets with the golden evening sunlight, stretching its fingers one last time through the suburban trees before a darkness of uncertainty washes over the earth. Then sit in silence for twenty minutes as a butterfly perches on your hand. When it departs, and flies into the eternal sky, begin the next course.

7th Course – Cheese

Theme – Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

In honor of the cheesiest of the nominees, get some extremely loud and incredibly close cheeses, like a good sharp cheddar or a Limburger. Then tell everyone where you were on 9/11.

8th Course – Dessert

Theme – The Help

I haven’t seen this whole movie yet, I had to leave in the middle. But apparently someone makes a shit pie? So yeah, make a chocolate pie or something. And then you can be like “it’s shit. You’re eating my shit.” And your guests will be like “oh, you are too much” and you’ll be like “I know. Seriously, I know. I’m the best.”

9th Course – Petit Fours

Theme – Midnight in Paris

It has probably turned midnight by now at your party and is appropriately time for the Midnight in Paris petit fours course. Offer everyone a coffee, some chocolate and a doggy bag full of cooked horse meat to take home to the babysitter.

Once everyone leaves, kick back for a moment. The dishes can wait until tomorrow. You did a good job tonight. You kept a Hollywood tradition going. You’ve given movie stars a reason to go on living. You’ve given Bruce Vilanch the funds to go buy more weird eyeglasses. But where’s your Oscar? Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s RIGHT HERE.

HAPPY OSCARS EVERYONE!

10 responses to “This Year’s Oscar Menu”

  1. T-Dub says:

    This is awesome! Now I don’t have to go see these movies that everyone’s either damning with faint praise or outright condemning.

    Also, *you* get an Oscar, Andrew, for the Bruce Vilanch mention. I saw him once in a movie theater. Best star sighting ever.

  2. LP says:

    Andrew, this is hilarious. HI-larious. It makes me want to run down the street in mocassins, flinging sorbet at horses.

    I’d like to thank you, the academy, my agent, my lawyer, my manager, my shrink, my PR firm and my life coach for allowing me to laugh on this fine Friday.

  3. J-Man says:

    Andrew, some day I hope that you will host the Oscars. Then things will be set right. In the meantime, can you just come over to our Oscar party and do the voice over?

  4. Joey the Horse says:

    WFT, dude? Seriously, you didn’t watch my movie very closely, did you? Because if you did, you would know that I DESTROY MEN. So, watch who you’re suggesting to eat. Because I’ll go all crazy-ass on you, and I’ll look so magnificent while doing so that people will weep.

    Snort.

  5. Hugo says:

    More, please, sir.

  6. Jean Dujardin says:

    …..

  7. farrell fawcett says:

    Brilliant, Andrew. Horse meat. The Kentucky Derby. Thank you for making me laugh. FYI, Entertainment Weekly just featured a much less clever Oscar party menu imagining. My favorite part was the Black and White cookie. Which you are initially led to believe is included to honor The Help, duh, black and white, get it?, black and white, in a very head-shaking racist way, then shabaam!, no, you sick-o with your racist head in the gutter, it’s to honor, but of course, the black and white movie, The Artist. I love it when I become acutely aware once again of my knee-jerk racist tendencies and–thank you Andrew–my horse-ism in the same 24 hours. Go Dujardin!

  8. swells says:

    It’s not often I can bust a gut without even eating anything. I’d like to thank the Andrew for that. I’m so happy to have finally gotten my first Oscar, too! Thank you–that shit is LONG overdue.

  9. trixie says:

    SO SO GOOD.

    i have been waiting all day for others to say so first so I wouldn’t seem like a freaky middle-aged housewife yelling into the internet about how hilarious you are.

    now that it’s after midnight, it seems totally way more normal to comment on your post and agree with other commenters.

    i was just going to suggest one other thing after reading your recipes- and i am sorry if this seems too critical- the mahimahi lettuce wraps should probably have some crushed peanuts as a garnish.
    not that anyone will care or even remember. i have actually already forgotten that i said that.

    happy oscar party to all!!!

  10. PB says:

    Worked like 10 million hours in the past few weeks, just catching up and totally bummed I missed this which was the perfect lead in to our favorite night of the year. We too had Oscar themed food but not nearly as clever. Although MB did manage a mysteriously wonderful chocolate pie.