Steven J. Hadley
National Security Advisor
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue N.W.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. Hadley:

Thank you for considering my application for the position of Implementation and Execution Manager for the Iraq War.

Like the other candidates you are interviewing, I, too, have never successfully prosecuted a successful counterinsurgency campaign in a foreign land, nor ended a multilateral civil war (or are you still calling it a “civil conflict”?) in an oil-rich state, nor brokered a political settlement in a conflict in which all parties have strong incentives to maintain the bloody status quo. I also have never created a stable democracy where it has never before existed.

Ending the centuries-old enmity between Sunni and Shia is yet another accomplishment missing from my resume (attached), as it is from those of the other candidates. And honestly, I cannot say I am passionate about the bureaucratic infighting that the job of Iraq War Czar is sure to require. Nor is it part of my personal mission statement to midwife the birth pangs of a new Middle East. In fact, I don’t even have a personal mission statement.

Let’s be honest here. You should hire me because I am willing to do the one thing nobody has yet done in this enterprise, and the only thing a successful applicant really has to do: accept the blame.

Laying the groundwork for accepting the blame is easy. I will start the job by announcing a bold new plan for success. I will promise measurable progress in six months, signs of significant progress in three to four, and a new day in the management of the war beginning immediately. This much has been done by many previous officials, and it plays well on Meet the Press.

Where I have the advantage over other candidates is in my willingness to take the fall. When critics begin to question whether my plan is working, you can tell them the President is just following my recommendations. And when it becomes undeniably clear (even for Republicans) that the whole thing is a total disaster, I will resign, and you can blame my poor implementation for the failure of the President’s strategic vision. By this time, your boss’s term of office will be nearly over, and you can hand the war over to his successor, washing your hands thoroughly on the way out.

You may repudiate me entirely. Call me incompetent. Call me a Defeatocrat. You don’t even have to give me a Medal of Freedom.

In short, I offer you my services as water-carrier while I occupy the War Czar post and as scapegoat afterwards.

As for compensation, I expect the usual salary and perks while in active service (whatever they’re paying Wolfie’s girlfriend will be fine) and a lifetime annuity from the George W. Bush Presidential Legacy Foundation thereafter.

It is my lifelong dream to become, in the words of my friend Bryan, a “highly proficient fuckup.” Please give me this opportunity to fuck up for the war effort, for President Bush, and for my country.

Yours most sincerely, etc.