Warning: The following post is an expletive-laced, un-Christian, anti-Easter tirade that may strike some sensitive readers as blasphemous and mean. Read at your own risk.
Hey yo, f*ck Easter! I freakin’ hate Easter. It’s the worst sort of “holiday” ever created. I’ve never liked it, never enjoyed it, and never will. I hate Easter — and this is my manifesto, my declaration of war against Easter. You can keep your War on Terror and your War on Christmas, but Easter is going *down*. Here are ten reasons why Easter sucks.
1) The No-Holiday Holiday. What kind of pathetic cut-rate holiday doesn’t give the hard-working folks of the world a day of rest? Easter Sunday? I’m supposed to celebrate the resurrection of Christ on my day off? WTF? If we got an Easter Monday, or even an Easter Thursday or something, I’d cut it some slack. But a Sunday holiday doesn’t even qualify, in my book, as anything but an outright scandal. And frankly, I think giving Easter short-shrift does a disservice to J.C. himself and all of the followers around the world. I mean, really, what does this say about the values of Christianity? You get a day off for being born (admittedly immaculately, no small feat), but get betrayed and crucified and then come back from the dead and all you get is a stinkin’ Sunday? Even Columbus gets a Monday.
2) The Easter Bunny.
This is the scariest mythical creature ever invented. A giant pink bunny? I’m shitting my Sunday-best drawers, yo. Terrifying. And what’s worse than a giant pink Bunny hopping around? A giant pink bunny hoppin’ at ya, packin’:
3) A stupid Easter basket full of nasty hollow milk chocolate Easter Bunnies, those nasty Cadbury cream eggs, hard-boiled painted eggs, fake grass and:
4) Peeps. Peeps are fucking disgusting. The most disgusting candy treat ever. I don’t care who you are, where you came from or where you are going. If you are into Peeps, you need serious help. Even if it’s a Peeptini.
5) Lamb and jelly. Lambs and Jelly go together like Al Sharpton and Don Imus. That is to say, poorly. Pugilistically. They shouldn’t be in the same sentence, let alone on the same plate. Lambs are cute, jelly is delicious. But Lamb and Jelly is rank.
6) The resurrection of Christ. Why am I supposed to celebrate this, even if it happened? Truth is, I’m jealous. Because the chances of this kind of shit *ever* happening to me are next to nothing. Total rip-off. Plus, Christ 2.0 was a little bit square for me.
7) Unpredictability. When Easter actually arrives is a complete mystery to every one but the Easter Bunny. What cryptic calculus is used to derive this alleged holiday? A note to the vatican: pick a Sunday, any Sunday, and stick with it.
8) Everything is closed on Easter (related to #7). This is especially infuriating. What if Christ needs to do some shopping on the day he descends back to earth? Don’t you think he might need to hit a Target for some clean drawers or a toothbrush? And what if his mojo is a little off-kilter, and he needs to pick up a bottle of Thunderbird (as opposed to making it from water, of course).
Here’s a list of stores and malls I tried to go to that were closed this past Easter: Target, Toys ‘R’ Us, The Stonestown Mall. Can’t a brother buy a game of Scrabble on Easter? What the hell? This is AMERICA, people! We *buy* stuff on every other occasion, why would Easter be any different? Which brings me to:
9) No Presents. Why would you have a holiday, especially a religious one, without a total gluttony of gifts? The timing would be perfect (for me at least). By Easter (whenever the hell it is), I usually have compiled a pretty good list of stuff people should be buying me that I didn’t think of by Christmas. It’s still a good 6 months until my birthday, so a good early Spring gift-athon would do us all some good, right?
10) The color pink. Pink is the color of humiliation. I’ll spare you all the details, but let’s just say when you are a color-blind teenage boy, trying to act and dress tough, it’s sort of a bummer when you realize that the “grey” shirt you’ve been wearing all semester is in fact hot pink. Ten words a 15 year old punk rocker never wants to hear from his mom: “But Honey, you look so nice in that pink shirt!” Ouch.
There are several other reasons to hate Easter, but I think these 10 are reason enough to declare war. I think I’ve made my case for the war on Easter. Who’s with me??
Welcome to the blogosphere! Stuff like this is the key to traffic, my friends.
Funny stuff!!
Hey, I like those Cadbury eggs. Easter stays.
Mr. Dogfight,
1. Sir, you just may be praying for a Peeptini when you leave this world; and you think global warming is hot, oh dear.
2. Your previous posts describe a society of not only tolerance, but acceptance, you are the epitome of hypocrite. You might just consider that I created the color Pink (in fact, it’s my favorite), get a grip, yo.
3. Do you really believe you deserve another day off or presents? Holy Cow.
4. I considered, correcting the rest of your grips, I’ll not waste my time, we’ve got eternity to “convince” you. Vengeance is mine.
Don’t listen to god; the man’s a total human. He just happened to fall into a vat of radioactive goo in the first millennium BCE, and since has been quite insufferable. I say down with his son’s bogus holiday.
Um…yo.
One point of contention: pink is a fab color.
My first born,
It’s not too late, son. Please change your ways, and convince Mr. Dogfight to do the same.
El Padre’
You’ve gone off your meds again haven’t you?
Look, the delusions were kind of cute for the first couple of hundred years, but you’re on my last nerve. You need to make an appointment with that nice doctor (I think his name is something Fawcett) and re-up the pills.
It’s time for some tough love.
This is the funniest thing we’ve enjoyed on TGW in a while. Who wrote this? Make yourself known!
…and I’m with you on the Cadbury Cream Eggs. They are the most awful sweets ever created. bleh.
That Easter bunny picture is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. How is that real? I’m going to be giggling about it all day.
Seriously, that kid is never going to get over that.
Peeps get such a bad rep. They’re just marshmallows in the shape of baby chickens. Creepy, yes, but delicious! And Cadbury eggs are the only reason I actually look forward to Easter. Otherwise, you make a compelling argument. I’ll fight your war as long as I get to keep my nasty candy.
Oh no. We’re probably going to have a dialogue about Peeps. For the record, Peeps are GROSS (Sorry Miller and, in advance, JZ). Easter candy in general sucks. But I kind of like Lilies and honey-baked ham (that’s how we do it on the left coast)– and the season premiere for the Sopranos provided great closure to the day.
Long live the war on Easter!. The only thing peeps are good for is microwaving. Easter brunch is about the saddest spectacle ever — tense children and their parents in pastels, eating ham or eggs florentine.
Some people *do* get Good Friday off (and some just take it off), but we should have Easter Monday off. In the UK, they get a Bank Holiday the day after Easter. I’ve never really understood the “Bank Holiday” thing.
The only thing peeps are good for is microwaving.
Parrish, are you out there? Can you direct these fine people to a photo of the amazing diorama, “Peeps of the Caribbean?”
Would that I could, Oh Godfrey – It exists only on my laptop at the moment; I must first post it online somewhere… There’s no way to post photos in comments, is there, Davey B?
Everyone must see this remarkable tableau, a skillful rendering of Peeps of the Caribbean created by my 11-year-old niece. Help me, webmasters.
oh, boy. peeps of the caribbean. i can’t wait.
yes, yes. i am a fan of peeps and lots of other eastery goodness. (my current favorite: chicks and rabbits.)
all that other easter-religious-resurrection stuff? nah.
oh, and a hilarious post. i wish i had written it.
Does it ever strike us weird that we EAT cooked lamb and lamb-shaped candy while supposedly worshiping the Lamb of God? Like we are eating the metaphor? (not counting the whole bread body/ water blood deal). No wonder we dialog on peeps. the whole business is too weird. MB’s butterflied orange mint metaphor is tasty however.
Once again, with Rachel, love the Cad eggs.
and I also wish I was so clever and had photoshop cabability.
Agh! Kurt Vonnegut is dead. This makes me really sad, but somehow this thread seems an appropriate place to announce it. Though some fellow TGW’ers have declared themselves (relatively) unmoved by his novels, I loved nearly every one I read. RIP, Kurt V.
(not counting the whole bread body/ water blood deal).
my favorite understatement of the season.
here’s some essential reading on peeps.
but the best use for them i know is found here. (see #1: resurrection rolls.) i can’t remember who first told me about this, but wow.
And so it goes, K.V., right?
LP, send me the photo and I can post a link to it in comments.
dave, you’re home!
Please, everyone, look at the links Bryan provided.
Most amazing fact about the early, handmade Peeps:
“In 1953, it took Rodda 27 hours to make one Peep.”
Wow.
Speaking of authors, I’ve been reading some books suggested @TGW- The Collected Stories, by Amy Hempel are very random, and I just didn’t connect, though I was fascinated with her minimalist writing style. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Marquez had a very distinctive writing style, but again, no connection. And in the spirit of today’s comments from Satan, I’ll quote from the book “It has been proven that the devil has sulphuric properties…” The best yet has been The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I started reading it today at lunch; it had the hook from page one, could hardly go back to my meetings. He certainly is expert at vividly describing a grey world in which the characters are trapped.
I’m with ya LP — it’s a sad day when KV dies.
I got so much and most mud got so little.
Given my spotty scholastic beginnings, Vonnegut was one of the first authors that I found accessible enough to bring me into the world of books. My favorite was Mother Night.
I read an anecdote once in which Truman Capote came knocking at his back door asking for a drink (apparently Capote, who lived up the road, broke away from his caretaker who was ordered to keep him sober). Vonnegut without question or judgment poured him a tumbler of bourbon. Of the matter KV later said something like, “I’d never deny another man a drink.”
To me, Vonnegut’s action is so much more humane than what many of us might do: comfort, console, empathize, but most wouldn’t give the man the drink. I think Vonnegut realized that no one’s faults were any more important than anyone else’s, and we’re all entitled to our own, even if they are bound to kill us. The man saw the grayness of morality. And thus began my road to Nihilism.
Let’s see if this photo link works.
YES!!
The link–my week is complete.
Such excellent comments! That picture of the peeps is awesome. I love the attention to detail (piercings, etc.). So maybe peeps have some utility, but I maintain their value is not as food, but rather as an object of derision.
#6. I’m with you on God. What is that dude’s problem? Besides, I think I see the afterlife along the lines of Biggie Smalls, “It don’t make no sense goin to heaven with the goodie-goodies /Dressed in white/I like black Timbs and black Hoodies/ God will probably have me on some real strict shit/ No sleepin all day…” It gets crasser, but you get the point, don’t ya Satan?
#10: You have yourself a deal. Just try to keep the peeps on the D.L. ;)
#16: word.
#18: Bryan, thanks for the historical take on Peeps, now I know who to blame! A statistic that truly turns my stomach is that Americans will consume 700 Million peeps over Easter. Nasty. Also, in the spirit of providing funny links in the comments, I fear that this link to a you tube video may have been overlooked in the body of the post. That’s a must see there.
And finally, how sad that K.V. passed away. 84 is a nice ripe age to go, but I like Scotty found Vonnegut’s writing very accessible when everything else seemed so obtuse and boring.
I love Easter! Maybe because I did get presents. No easter basket for you Mr. Dogfight? Maybe you are still upset, like my littlest brother that one easter you got some crappy present like a yo-yo with a 7-up logo. He still talks about it. The two of you could be friends.
And another thing the candy is scrumptious. My favorite is cadbury mini eggs.
The carribean peeps are great!
#22 marleyfan: I prefer Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera. The story is less scattered.
Would you like to watch an entire film about your favorite marshmallow treat? The wait is nearly over! A Peeps documentary is in the works!
For your perusal: a slideshow of the best entries in the Washington Post’s “peeps diorama” competition (my niece’s didn’t make the cut, darn it!)
I was particularly fond of Peeping Peeps and Dream Peeps, but Peeps of the Caribean should’ve made the cut.
I can’t believe they had all contestants — adults and kids — in one category! C’mon, the winner was 65 years old! Hardly any of the finalists were kids. Even still, I think “Peeps of the Caribbean” was better than several of those. I smell consipirations! Who owns the WaPo? Did they just want to avoid giving publicity to a Disney movie and ride?