Given today’s date, I feel that the burden of finding something interesting to say about love (a subject that’s been kind of explored) has fallen upon my feeble shoulders. What can one possibly say about this, the tiredest of all subjects: love hurts; love is blind; I love New York in June? You see my predicament.
Perhaps I’m thinking about this all wrong. Maybe instead of elevating myself to the level of love, I should drag it down into the mud with me: love as seen through the eyes of a silly little man. Certainly, as it is the most clichéd, love is also the most universal of emotions. So in the words of Marty DeBergie: “enough of my yakkin’.” Here they are, Uncle Scotty’s stages of love:
First Love (FL): faced with this condition, many will lose any semblance of control they previously had over their lives. To compound matters, FL is usually combined with massive amounts of adolescent hormones. This cocktail of emotions and chemically driven urges will cause those under its spell to do things like sneak out of the house on a regular basis to rendezvous at a local park, only to return home grass-stained and frustrated.
As a prophylactic measure, avoid redheaded sixteen-year-olds who sit next to you in Spanish class.
Unrequited Love (UL): often the concluding stage of FL (especially if the person stricken with FL “smothers” the object of his desire). A telltale sign that FL is morphing into UL is the appearance of an older guy who drives a hopped-up Duster and is a drummer in a local rock band.
When full-blown UL is present, you may find yourself burning once-cherished photos, and crying to songs like Alone Again (Naturally) by Gilbert O’Sullivan.
Brotherly Love (BL): usually experienced by males as they are trying their best to deal with UL. People who are caught in the grip of BL may proclaim things like “bros before hoes.” (This, of course, runs parallel to patterns of Sisterly Love (SL), in which females can be heard saying things like, “chicks before dicks.”)
Complications of BL can arise as once-forgotten friends express resentment about past patterns of flakiness in the person experiencing FL. Questions may be asked like: “Hey man, now that that bitch dumped you, you come crawlin’ back to us, and we’re just supposed to take you back, right?”
All in all, however, BL (or SL) can be the salve that helps expedite the healing of UL.
Love at First Sight (LFS): once thought mythological, LFS has actually been proven to exist. Persons under the grasp of LFS may position themselves in areas where they expect the object of their desire to appear so that a “chance” meeting may occur. If true LFS is present, the person adored will be receptive to polite exchange. If any type of sarcasm can be detected, LFS was likely just a desert mirage in the parched soul of a sad-sack. If this is the case, the best avenue to take is to kindly tip one’s hat and flee the scene as quickly as possible.
LFS can be experienced at San Francisco rock clubs; the Bottom of the Hill, for example, is a particularly good location to experience this phenomena. Just look in the middle of the crowd for the glowing face.
True Love (TL): if LFS is actual (though this isn’t the only way to get there), TL may surface in its wake. Signs of TL may include an unexplainable desire to change oneself for the better, to have an open mind, to cooperate; generally speaking, the person feeling TL will wonder where his/her previous selfishness has gone.
If experienced at the right time in one’s life, TL can be the most productive of the loves as it can act as an agent for positive change.
Unconditional Love (UCL): the final and most provocative of the stages of love is UCL. Though some doubt its existence (this condition is known as JZ Syndrome), it has been known to exist, primarily, in people from New Jersey. UCL should not be confused with Abusive Love (AL), which is a misnomer since it is not an actual type of love at all, but a strong indication that something is vastly wrong with you.
The defining trait of UCL is forgiveness. Those who experience UCL can be known to forgive any number of infractions ranging from abusive language to petty theft. (Of course, the more severe the infraction, the closer UCL edges toward AL.)
If the members of a UCL bond are trustworthy, it can be the strongest of all bonds. This is partially true because it instills feelings of belonging within those who experience it. (Think of close family members or old, old friends that you’ve been through a lot with.)
Giving Love: the last comment I will make on love is that one of the greatest things about it is that it’s best used by giving it away (in this way, it is the most egalitarian emotion). So what the hell are you waiting for? Turn off your computer and go tell someone that you love them.
But before you go…Whatsitser, I love you.
aw, scott. what a sweet and funny way to start the day.
besos to the whole lot of you.
bw
This is my first ever comment on The Great Whatsit, though I’ve read the blog almost everyday for the last few weeks. First, I would like to say, that I thought you paid tribute to Valentines Day very well. For the most part, I consider the day more of a money maker for jewelry stores, and candy companies that anything else, though, it is always good to have an excuse to do something nice for someone, whether it be one’s FL, TL, or UCL. Great job!
another new commenter!!!!
welcome demosthenes!
scott, i love you and your post.
I love the post, Scotty. And I love you (TL… not UCL). And I love that I have a syndrome named after me…
Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!
Scotty,
Many thanks for cooking up this batch of Lovsagna for us this Valentimes. You number and describe the many layers of love in a delightfully delicious way. Very tasty!
mmmm…lovsagna. Scotty, you’re a true chef.
But: how would you diagnose those of us who’ve got JZ syndrome for JZ?
Tremania.
steph you’re such a wit.
I want you all to have Tremainia.
Love this post, and all y’all.
First off, welcome Demosthenes to the fold. We are all super excited to get new commenters.
Second, thanks for all the kind words. I was a little sheepish about writing such a wet post for this day (I’m sure there were those readers out there that got a little rumpled over this lovey-dovey essay). I was kicking around some ideas about the Valentine’s Day massacre, but in the end, the love just won out.
Trix, I love you mucho.
JZ, thanks for the good material.
S. Wells, be mine?
T. Wag, thanks for the subtle acknowledgement that “lovsagna” trumps “Mexican Twinkie pie.”
Tremain, yes, Tremania, I suffer…oh, how I suffer.
Nice try, Scott, but I wouldn’t say that either “lovsagna” or “Mexican Twinkie pie” is better. Honestly, I’m overjoyed that such a creation exists *and* that it has two marvelous names. “Lovsagna” just seemed more appropriate and applicable for this post.
Just remember, T. Wag: the path of least resistance is often the path of most resistance.
#12 — what’s the big idea. #1 doesn’t mean anything to you?
How could I forget you my #1? Perhaps I was just trying to make you jellous.
or you could make me jello.
# 12-nice to see how quickly “besos” can turn to “what’s the big idea?”
ain’t love grand?
and teamwolf! does have a great deal of affection (or GDOA) for…Kobe Bryant, Shawn Marion, Yao Ming, and Deron Williams.
Yes Ruben, and I responded in kind, but then struck the record. This can be what one might call a tough group.
Steff (not to be confused with Steph), don’t rock the boat.
Ah Scott, you have a better BL group than I’m familiar with. I had the, “dude since you two broke up, you wouldn’t mind if asked her out, right?” , lack of support group.
TL is 4EVER
there meant to be a picture with that. but I just learned that TGW don’t play pics.
and I’ve had Tremania for years.
Viva Amore!
[…] Your readers want to feel hopeful. They want to hear about how great your life was in the past, thereby convincing themselves that the future will be great as well. You can’t tell embarrassing stories about your family, even if they are true, because you’re supposed to love your family unconditionally. So, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. After all, it’s nice to be nice. And it’s mean to tell the truth. […]