With Parrish gone to a better place, who will do the periodic current-events roundups that made for such delightful early-morning reading? (And who will save us from the special hell of compound words and compound-adjective hyphenation?)
Well, okay, I’ll do it. I begin with the weather. Here in Brooklyn it’s fucking freezing. Eight degrees Fahrenheit this morning when I left for work, with winds 10 to 15 miles per hour. Not surprisingly, it was fucking freezing in Manhattan, too, notwithstanding the superior attitude.
Nevertheless, the LA Times reported on its homepage that it’s so warm in the “Southland” (WTF is that, by the way? Has the soy milk gone to the editors’ brains to allow such a word?) that, apparently, cute young Latinas have been driven to lesbian behavior on the beach just to keep cool.
We now turn to the top story of the day. Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was charged with attempted kidnapping and battery against a younger woman who is a rival for the love of another astronaut. Here is Nowak in her astronaut getup and in her BOOKING PHOTO.
Now I once actually had a job doing NASA-related program activities and met a number of astronauts and other NASA people, so I will share my personal insights on this case. (It will help me organize my thoughts before going on “Nancy Grace” tomorrow.) The non-technical types in the agency were often quite involved in churchy stuff, but I wrote that off to most of NASA’s facilities being located in the South; they were otherwise quite normal. (I harbor deep and ill-informed prejudices about the South, by the way.) The technical types, engineers and such, were salt-of-the-earth geeks, very enthusiastic and very good at what they did.
And the astronauts … well, can you think of a job that has more universal and instant appeal than astronaut? A job that more children aspire to, and more adults look upon wistfully? And do you know how many astronauts there are? Not very many, that’s how many. So basically, they are like gods who walk among us. It’s no wonder the male astronaut was two-timing Nowak with a woman who graduated from college in 2002 — he could get any woman he wanted. And the article waits for the last graph to share the juiciest tidbit: Nowak herself is “married and a mother of three”! No angel yourself, are you, hon, even before you started stalking pretty young things with a knife, rubber tubing, a BB gun, and plastic bags? (Those sinister plastic bags!) My insider analysis: Lisa Marie spent a little too much time in zero-g.
In political news, Chuck Norris, who drives an ice-cream truck covered in human skulls, is emerging as a leading voice in the Draft Gingrich movement. (Via Unfogged.) Norris believes that Newt, who left his first wife when she was recovering from cancer and left his second because he had gotten involved with a House aide 23 years younger than he, is fit to rule over us by Divine Right (Proverbs 8:16). I believe Norris is mistaken. I believe only one man (which immediately rules out a certain antichristastic senator from New York) has the right combination of virility, masculinity, wisdom, and roundhouse kicks to lead this great nation of ours, and that man is Chuck Norris. His right fist will be his own vice president.
And doubt not my words, because behold, I know the Bible 100%!
Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses – you know it all! You are fantastic!
The fruits of all those years of going to church, preaching the Good Word, and not touching myself are to be seen in this glorious little graphic. (Via Kotsko.) Also, it’s an absurdly easy quiz.
Finally, I leave you with a link to a blog that commits absurd crimes against nature: Let’s Be Friends. Think carefully before you click on it — you may truly start wishing for a Chuck Norris presidency to end your suffering. A taste:
Horrifying, no?
Dave, sorry to put the ‘ole kybosh on any plans you may have made to visit out glorious region, “the Southland” is quite common among news organizations in this cockamamie place. Your lucky you didn’t come across a reference to the area east of LA and Orange counties…that would be “the Inland Empire.” I’m crappin’ you negative on this one! And I thought “the Bay Area” was obnoxious.
True story: I had a dream last night that I was the bass player for Twisted Sister, and I was shouting out to the (modest) crowd “is anyone here from the Tri-State Area!?”
Best of luck on Nancy Grace tomorrow, she’s my favorite. Will you do your friends here at TGW a big favor, and let us know you care, by giving tug at your left ear during the interview?
When I lived in Chicago, the one that really got me irritated was “Chicagoland”. It sounds like a theme park.
Dave, this post is almost exactly like a real local newscast. You lead with the “extreme weather” story, give the freakish and sensational a “top story” spot, move on to “political” news (with a strong right-leaning bent), which leads nicely into a little bit of easy religion, and then wind it all up with cute animals. I feel just as informed as I do after watching KCAL!
BTW, that animals page is pure porn – monkey on kitten, kitten on puppy, cat on moose, snake on hamster, dog on deer . . . it’s a sign of the apocalypse, I tell ya, just like the Democrats would have it if they had their way.
Oh, and Scott? The weird part of that dream is *not* your shout-out to the “Tri-State Area”.
I checked out the Lets Be Friends site, and there were some pretty office-calendar-ready shots…heartwarming shit, really.
I am a little concerned about what happened when the tiger woke up, however. Do you think a piggy blood-bath ensued?
Wager: “We’re not gonna take it. No, we ain’t gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it anymoooor!”
Dave, you left out the juiciest (sorry) part of the astronaut drama: “Nowak drove from Houston [to Orlando] wearing diapers so she would not have to stop to relieve herself.”
Now THAT’s love.
Wearing a diaper? I didn’t see that. Maybe she learned that from her spacewalks or something.
And yeah, those piggies with the tiger — the most fucked up thing on that site. Do the little tiger-skin jackets really fool the tiger? And where’d they get the tiger skin to make the jackets?
Here’s the urban legend and correction on the piglet-suckling tiger.
Hyphen-happy T-Wag
“I harbor deep and ill-informed prejudices about the South, by the way.” Obviously, Dave, this also includes the “Southland.” Sorry you’re freezing, by the way. I’m wearing a tank top right now.
And, Scott, my love, I was freaking born in the Inland Empire, so you’ll have to accept at least one part of it if you’d like to continue our (comic and cherished, yet totally real and true) friendship. Wow, that just sounded like a junior high possessive best friend letter. I guess I’m just trying to prove that good taste and– ahem– intelligence has come out of the Inland Empire.
Steph, the diapers were what most intrigued me. As you said, (gag) that’s (ick) love.
Dave, this was a most enjoyable post. I dub you periodic-current-events-round-up Whatsie of 2007.
Yes, Dave – thanks for the shout-out, and congrats on taking up the mantle of currrent events guru. I’ve been officially replaced by you and by Scott the Illustration God(frey); I couldn’t be more honored. But what’s left for poor ol’ Lisa P if she wants to come back and do a TGW blog? Hmm, perhaps more U-G-L-Y baby photos. There are a ton of ’em.
Okay, the Inland Empire is a little weird, but I assume it has some kind of historical backing, and I actually vaguely know what it refers to having read some Mike Davis and “Cadillac Desert.” But “Southland”? What does that even refer to? The Southwest? All of America south of some parallel or other? California south of Malibu but excluding the Inland Empire? It’s so boosterish and awful.
“Tri-state,” on the other hand, is both descriptive and slyly hilarious.
Wait, you guys don’t wear diapers when driving long distances?
Steph, I’m with you, that was the best part of the story. I also like the booking photo put up next to her official “helmet in hand” smiling NASA bio shot.
And Scott, not to get too motivational speaker on you, but it’s time to turn your dreams into reality. What’s the matter? Don’t you know what you want to do with the rest of your life?
Supposedly there’s some video out there of Dee kicking ass on some punk kids who thought they were messing with just any old longhair…so approach him carefully when asking about that gig.