(Amy Sedaris vs. Martha Stewart: which hostess are you?)
A sleeping bag and maybe a towel⎯that’s all we used to need. Crashing at a friend’s place required no great forethought⎯a few days’ notice, maybe. But combine age, bigger incomes, more complicated lives, and greater needs for privacy and independence, and all of a sudden hospitality is a fraught issue.
It’s Monday morning as I write this, and the houseguests we’ve had since last Wednesday have just left. They’ve made me realize that, in many ways, it’s easier to be a good guest than a gracious host. When staying with a friend, show up with some small token of thanks, chip in for groceries and alcohol (if your host will let you), don’t break anything major, and you’ll be invited back. Let’s face it: even provoking a drunken brawl won’t end things between you and your dearest pals.
But how do you provide great hospitality? Excellent hosts make guests feel wanted and cared for, but also free to be themselves. (Provide comfy sheets and towels, adequate bathroom time/space, and room to spread out. A little time apart is a good thing.) They should feel a sense of belonging while also being looked after. (Provide not just good coffee, but also details on your arcane grinding/brewing rituals, should they be up before you in the morning.) Most of this seemed clear to me before this weekend, but I still managed to screw up a lot. I micromanaged where I shouldn’t have, fussing over the dishwasher and the recycling, making my guests feel like a burden when they emphatically were not. I want to be a better host from now on.
Granted, I have a lot more experience being a guest, and have been lucky enough to stay with most current and erstwhile Whatsit contributors over the years. What a marvelously friendly group! Taken as a whole, this crew competes hardily with the better national hotel chains, and will always go the extra mile for your comfort. Chez Pandora guarantees thrilling conversation and a killer meal. Trixie is equipped with excellent first aid, should you faint while nakedly exiting her hot tub after a much-too-long soak. (She will even find away to assuage your embarrassment the next day.) Swells will gorge you on the best sushi, and might even lend you her car! Plus Bryan, Parrish, Stella…they all know how to take in a weary traveler. Occasionally I have been lucky enough to return the favor, but never with as much style or ease.
My recently-departed guests had a good time, I hope. We loaded up on activities, from hiking to raspberry picking to beachgoing to wine tasting. Yet according to recent reports like this one (a shower tote? trail mix?), my hosting skills are abysmal. So I ask, hoping for some tips: how do you receive your houseguests? And what kind of hospitality do you like best?
I really enjoy having friends stay with us, probably more than I enjoy staying with friends. It never really seems much of an issue how good of a host I am being (which certainly does not mean I’m a great host, possibly it means we have non-demanding friends…)
My solution is to have an apartment so small that nobody will stay with me or if they do, we will all have a lousy time regardless of anyone’s conduct. Takes the guesswork out.
Hosting out-of-town guests is one of those times in life when one (okay, when I) most feels the pressure to bring one’s real self in alignment with one’s ideal self. “Live your best life now! On display for your friends whom you hardly ever see! Be the neat person you wish you always were! Do those cool, interesting things you hardly ever (or even never) do!” etc. The trick is to make it seem effortless and maybe even convince yourself that you *are* that person, even if you can keep it going for only a few days.
“Provide comfy sheets and towels, adequate bathroom time/space, and room to spread out. A little time apart is a good thing.”
This is so true. it’s so nice when you’re visiting friends to have BOTH friend time and down time. Once Stella and I visited a friend who didn’t seem able to leave us alone for a second; the result was frustration on everyone’s part. We were sleeping on a foldout couch in the living room, and he got up very early in the morning and made bacon for breakfast, then sat down and ate it a few feet from us while we tried to get a little more sleep (I was incredibly jetlagged). It was awkward, to say the least.
When we left, he took us to the train station, then insisted on waiting with us until the train arrived, walking us right up to it, and standing there until it left the station. I love the guy, but as soon as he was out of sight, Stella and I leaned back in our seats and exclaimed “Alone at last!” – then cracked up laughing because we were on a train surrounded by people.
My biggest flaw as a host, and one that I’ve worked to correct, is when I don’t want my guests to leave. I harangued one friend to stay longer, insisting that i missed her too much to let her go, until she finally snapped at me. Ooops! Sorry!
I love house guests! I have a tiny guest room that’s pretty tight for two people, and my fantasy is to have a house with as many comfy guest rooms as Farrell and Trixie have (not to mention more than one bathroom so everyone doesn’t have to share), but I love the lazy late-nite party where no one has to go anywhere, followed by the sleepy morning slow-starting brunch. Our summers are always full of them (for example, I’m late commenting because I was cleaning house and changing the guest bed sheets for tonight’s arrivantes) and even when they’re back to back, as they often are come July or so, I like it (as long as I don’t have any, you know, WORK to do, which is so annoying and inconvenient). Come on over!
That article you linked to did make me realize my hostly shortcomings, though. Sorry folks–you’ll have to bring your own shower tote.
“Arrivantes” – what a great word! Language, it can be just so precise. Until it’s not.
Tim, I completely agree with you on hard it is to live up to your “ideal” self for more than a few days at a time. On the other hand, it gives one (okay, me) a chance to do and try the things I’ve wanted to for a while, but can never seem to find the time/energy/gumption. Plus, guests are a terrific motivator to clean the hell out of your house.