The Great Whatsit Holiday Special

Friends, it’s time to gather around and enjoy an interactive Whatsit Holiday Spectacular. Take this opportunity to spread a bit of cheer to friends and current (or former) lovers by reaching into your heart (need you be reminded that this is the time of giving?) and telling us: who reminds you most of “Mall Santa”?

See examples below (and one advanced warning: there’s a giant baby jesus ahead). Remember, be sweet. It’s Christmas.


Hermey the Misfit Elf (who prefers studying dentistry to making toys) = PB. She’s a great saleswoman, but flirts dangerously with the artist/writer’s life.

Rudolph = Jeremy Zitter. Rudolph runs around with a stuffy nose in one scene, repeating that he’s “independent.” Is it just me, or is there a resemblance?


The Grinch = Dave B. People, it’s obvious.


The Charlie Brown Christmas tree = Stella, who can find beauty in anything.

barak obama

Barack Obama = Farrell Fawcett: I know, Obama’s not really christmas-y, more like Kwanzaa, but he’s hot right now. And I vote Farrell as most likely to become a politician despite himself.

baby new year

Baby New Year = a tie between Baby William, Baby Parrish, and Tim Wager (have you seen this guy’s baby face?). You make the call.

cindy loo hoo

Little Cindy Loo Hoo = Lisa Parrish: except with a leather mini-dress, studded belt, and motorcycle boots. Lisa Tremain as understudy.

christmas story

Ralphie Parker = Stephanie Wells, who probably loves this movie. By the way, this girl has got more than one thing that’ll put your eye out.

baby jesus

Baby Jesus = Bryan Waterman: shining his light of eternal love upon all of us (Dave, I’m home.)


Snoopy Santa = Scott Godfrey: they’re both just so cute. And Scott does seem to love fake mustaches.

mall santa

Mall Santa = Ruben Mancillas: there’s some evil lurking here.


Peace on earth, Whatsiters. Good will to all. And may your days be merry and bright.

26 responses to “The Great Whatsit Holiday Special”

  1. Lisa Parrish says:

    LT: I love this! Uncanny how Jeremy really does resemble Rudolph. And Snoopy-as-Santa truly is reminiscent of S. Godfrey.

    Those who’ve spent more time with me might argue that I more often dress like Cindy Lou Who than in a leather mini-dress. In fact, they’d be right. But I’m aiming to change that now with my hot new LA-centric job.

    As an aside, a gay friend once confided that Hermey the Misfit Dentist was his first real crush, when he was six years old. Perhaps it was that winning swoop of flawless blond hair..

  2. Stephanie Wells says:

    Love it too, especially Mall Santa! He may be the father of triplet toddlers, but our Ruben is no Captain Kangaroo . . . which is why we love him . . .

  3. Mall Santa says:


  4. Scott Godfrey says:

    LT, you most resemble the Magi rubbing us with oils and myrrh and whatnot.

  5. Jeremy Zitter says:

    Yes, very prescient–I’ve been red nosed and sniffly all day…

  6. Tim Wager says:

    Hey Lisa,

    Thank you for the compliment of youth! I love it when people think I’m younger than I actually am, but you should take a look at my new author photo. That’s not the face of any baby *I’ve* ever met.

  7. Trixie Honeycups says:

    hey what about me?

  8. are you challenging me to a beard duel, wager?

    trix: all day i’ve been thinking about how to supplement this delicious post. my time is very short this week. maybe tomorrow i’ll be able to do it. but i have some ideas for you and others.

  9. Scott Godfrey says:

    Kris kriswagerson

  10. Tim Wager says:

    oh, i wouldn’t say that, bryan, but i do like the juxtaposition of our bearded visages. after all, i don’t want to cause you trouble with your kids. also, i think i’ve gone about as fur as i can go without alienating jen’s affections. i’ll probably make it through the holidays and then shave.

  11. wow. that mutha’s real time? i assumed it was archival!

  12. Tim Wager says:

    tugging contemplatively on that puppy right now.

  13. Lisa Tremain says:

    trixie! the goal here was for others to participate by giving whatsiters an xmas likeness…i was hoping someone would mention rachel, ssw, ms. wendy west, and of course, the never-ending trixie honeycups…

    (and anyone else who likes themselves some Christmas)

    i think i will give you honorable mention as the north star that guided the shepards (really venus, right?). constant beauty.

  14. Dave says:

    Tim, stop tugging on your puppy and back away from the computer.

  15. Tim Wager says:

    Wait, Dave, you saw that? Maybe *you’re* Santa.

  16. test: i’ve sent a long illustrated response to this thread twice today and it just disappears — it doesn’t even wind up in the mediation folder.

  17. well, hell. i don’t have time to do it over a third time. i’ll have to tackle it later tonight.

  18. Dave says:

    I don’t know that you can include pictures in comments. Actually, for blog-administering purposes, I kind of hope not.

  19. i’ll try a couple different times to see if i can get them through. they weren’t illustrated in the body of the comment — just full of links.

    these aren’t as apt as scott the snoopy santa (which was GENIUS!) but i’ve given them a little bit of thought and here goes.

    1. trixie honeycups: clarice, rudolph’s girlfriend, the real badass of that particular special.

    2. lane and adriana: joseph and mary.

    3. cedric and g-lock: heat miser and snow miser (you decide which is which).

    to be continued …

  20. 4. rachel b. is mrs. santa. milk and cookies anyone?

  21. 5. slade is the mistletoe that brings us all together.

    6. nathan is the misunderstood abominable snowman.

  22. 7. wendy west is a rockette, of course.

    8. brooke maury is the jackson 5 christmas special.

    9. and my ladyfriend ssw is shirley temple in heidi. isn’t she cute on santa’s knee?

  23. Literacy H. Dogfight says:

    Bryan, you really should have used the classic Betty Page pinup for Rachel’s Mrs. Santa. What were you thinking? (Warning, the image is not really safe for work.)

  24. Rachel says:

    Literacy, honey, you make me blush.

  25. […] No time for nice little essays this week. No intelligible thought whatsoever. My brain is a pile of brown boxes I have to unpack before Sunday. Hermie’s writer persona is on hiatus—The Abominable Snowman is out shopping. […]

  26. […] …shit. You guys know me too well. I don’t love the holidays. And, by the way, I also complain a lot. I just want you all to know that I realize this about myself. (Incidentally, this post could also be called “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Whiner,” since Lisa Tremain has already dubbed me Rudolph. Oh, and I plan to complain 10% less in the new year.) […]